THE FIRST 6 THINGS TO CROSS MY MIND AT THE END OF THE WORLD

Okay... now it isn't December 21, 2012 ANYWHERE anymore, looks like we can safely say the Mayans were way out of whack with their apocalypse thing. However, when I was woken up just after 4:30 this morning by some crazy, "Please evacuate the building!" type siren which went off for nearly an hour, I began to wonder if they had it right after all. Here's what I spent my final moments of existence thinking...

1: Can't believe my first night's sleep on holiday after having to get up at 3 all year is being ruined by the end of the world.

2: Should I put some clothes on? You know, if I'm about to be involved in some mayhem in the streets, perhaps I should try and find a T-shirt.

3:At least I won't have to mow the lawns today.

4: Damn it. I was really looking forward to opening that Christmas present I bought for myself. To think I could have been using it all this time and now I won't get to.

5: I wonder if the internet's still working. Then I can Google what to wear for Armageddon.

6. I could really go a mince and cheese pie right now. (Then again, I'm usually thinking that, so no change there)

6 REASONS YOU SHOULD NEVER PRINT YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS CARDS

It always seems like such a good idea at the time - whip out the old Publisher program, come up with something that looks pretty professional, yet with a nice, personal touch. Don't you remember all the things that went wrong LAST YEAR???...

1: Your printer doesn't do cardboard. Oh, I know it's SUPPOSED to. But it doesn't.

2: You don't have enough paper. Of course, you didn't realise you'd need any paper, because you thought you were going to be using cardboard. Trouble is, you need to send the cards first thing and the nearest stationery shop has just closed. For the holidays.

3: You've buggered up all last year's holiday photos by cropping them in silly shapes, changing the colours and then accidentally saving them over the originals. That's one Christmas you'll never get back.

4: It's not printing properly. Maybe the nozzles are clogged. How do you make it do that head cleaning thing again? Why can't you cancel the printing? Probably should have printed a test page before doing 60 copies. That may have been a mistake. Stop printing, damn you!

5: You've done the head cleaning thing so much you've run out of coloured ink. Guess you should have stocked up. Never mind, you can do them in black and white. It'll make them look arty.

6: You've run out of black ink too. Bugger. How can it be 1AM already?

THE 6 WORST THINGS ABOUT EXPECTING A ROYAL BABY

Being a princess isn't all royal tours and jubilees. Once you've been commanded to produce an heir, the pressures really start to pile up...

1: People wanting to touch your tummy. It's bad enough having to shake hands on those royal walk-abouts. Those yobbos need to learn about personal space.

2: Crowning. This is something that happens just as you're about to give birth. Quite painful apparently. Now imagine it with a real crown involved.

3: Names. Always tricky - even more so for a future monarch. Music and movies are often big influences here, so Prince Bilbo for a boy? If it's a girl, I'm thinking Gaga. We already have a Lady called that, so we know it works with a title. Princess Gaga could also be the first baby in history to say her own name as her first words.

4: Kate's boobs. Come on, we've all been thinking about them. Breast or bottle, I mean. What were YOU on about?

5: The red hair threat. Imagine if it comes out a ginga. After all, it happened with it's uncle.

6: Having to deal with not looking like a stick insect for a few months. It must be just awful to be that skinny, then suddenly not be skinny. I don't even want to think about it. Luckily, I'll never have to.