"If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear." We've all heard this quite a bit in relation to the GCSB being granted more powers to spy on us. Can't fault the logic. However, unfortunately I have a long list of things I don't want other people to know about me, and here it is...
1: I Sleep With My Cat. It's completely innocent, I assure you. But if word got out, you could see how people could jump to conclusions.
2: I Eat Too Much Cheese. Obviously, I personally don't think it's too much cheese, but more conventional cheese consumers might raise an eyebrow if they discovered real truth.
3: The Way I Treat My Kids. I've got a reputation to protect; I can't have people thinking sometimes I'm actually nice to them. (Only when I'm tired, I swear)
4: My Trackies. Most of us have a grotty old pair of track pants we can't wait to put on as soon as we get home, but we wouldn't be caught dead in them out in public. Disturbingly, I have TWO pairs - a bad pair and an even WORSE pair I can't even bring myself to describe. Let's just put the words, "grey marl" out there and leave it at that. Man they're comfy though.
5: Asymmetrical Body Parts. We all have them. Some are out there for everyone to see. Some should never be seen ever by anyone. Let's keep them that way.
6: The Catalogue of Songs I Wrote When I Was a Teenager. Talk about your weapons of mass destruction. If these fell into the wrong hands... well... I don't even want to think about it.
This week New Zealand banned Elijah Wood's new horror movie, Maniac. Apparently it presents a genuine threat to public safety. I suspect they were just freaked out when they realised he was playing a serial killer instead of a hobbit. Anyway, it's good to ban things; it's exactly that kind of restriction of free speech we fought two world wars to protect. Or something. But why stop at art-house horror flicks?...
1: Any Mention of Royal Babies. I think we're all agreed we're thoroughly sick to death of this malarkey by now. This ban includes the words, "George," "shawl," and "Lindo Wing."
2: Soft Drink Commercials About the Perils of Drinking Soft Drinks. Come on Coke, seriously?
3: Cats. No, sorry, that should read, "Campaigns About Banning Cats." Who doesn't love cats? Weirdos.
4: Reality Television. This is actually an employment initiative. Let's give all those poor, out-of-work script writers something to do.
5: X-Factor Results. On screen, I mean. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer my results from the host first, in giant, flashing, high definition letters second.
6: Dumb and/or Pointless Blogs. Oh, hang on...
This week, right-wing think tank, the Maxim Institute proposed an extension of the current 3 year term of office by another year, so our governments can actually get things done. Not sure if they'd be quite so keen if Labour was currently in charge, but it got me thinking; how long IS long enough to rule the land?...
1: Forever. Under the current system, too many people just don't take their votes seriously enough. If they only had one, things would get pretty real.
2: For Life. It's worked so well for royal families, North Korea and Cuba, why wouldn't it work here?
3: Week About. Isn't it just more fair to give everyone a go, one week on, one week off? Like a job share.
4: Carryover Champion. Give the other guys their say on each issue as it happens, but if they can't beat the government's score, they don't get to come back and play again next week.
5: Overnight. This would really keep them honest. The way I see it working is a bit like that thing some music stations do, where they have two songs and everybody texts in to vote for the song they think is better. We'd be happy to host it on Newstalk ZB.
6: Bring Back the Worm. The technology to tell us who's the most popular from one second to the next was amazingly ahead of its time. Let's use it again. The moment the government does something stupid, the worm turfs them out. If we could get an actual giant worm to do it, all the better.
Complicated business this. Here's what I've discovered after closely watching 3 races...
1: A Harbour Helps. Alinghi never had one of these, primarily due to Switzerland being pretty land-locked. Oh, sure they still won a bit, but San Francisco's actual ocean really adds something.
2: Foiling Through the Jibe. This is what everyone is trying to do. It's really important. If you can foil through the jibe, you'll have a real advantage. Pretty sure the commentators have no idea what foiling through the jibe is either.
3: You Don't Need As Many Teams As You Might Think. Remember when we used to do the America's Cup here in New Zealand? Yes you do. It's been a while, but we did. Anyway, when we used to do it, we really went overboard (excuse the pun) and had teams from all over the place. Totally old school. These days, 4 is heaps.
4: You Don't Need As Many Teams As You Might Think. This is for each actual race. Despite everything you ever thought you knew about anything, it's totally okay for one team to race another even if one of them isn't there.
5: It's Hard to Make a Good Joke About Alcatraz. So far, the best one I've heard is, "These guys are sailing so fast, they should go to jail!" Comedy gold. Ah well, presumably Alcatraz WILL be turning up for every race, so I'm sure they'll have plenty of time to come up with something slightly more memorable.
6: The Whole Thing Isn't a Monumental Waste of Everybody's Time, Money and Resources. At all. In any way. Not silly. Or ridiculous. I want to make that quite clear.
Well, how about Egypt, eh? I never realised they were so Fijian. Sure, electing people by coup is a fun way of running a country, but it's not the only one...
1: Who Has the Best Fireworks and Laser Pointers. Oh, that's right. That IS how they decided who would be in charge of Egypt. Certainly going by the images I've seen this week anyway.
2: Who Has the Most Facial Hair. This is why Bashar al-Assad is having such a tough time of it in Syria. Try as he might, he just can't seem to get a decent moustache going. Now Saddam Hussein; there was a guy with an impressive mo.
3: Go Home Stay Home. It took Aung San Suu Kyi a while, but she got there in the end.
4: Who Lives the Longest. This system has worked amazingly well for Fidel Castro. The big, bushy beard probably helps too. (see Number 2)
5: Who Has the Best Party. I don't mean political party. I mean bunga bunga party - right Sylvio? You know what I always say; it's not a party until someone gets sentenced to 7 years in prison.
6: The Biggest Party is Held To Ransom by a Minor Party Hardly Anyone Voted For Because There Aren't Any Other Coalition Partners Left. No, that's ridiculous. Nobody would choose an electoral system as obviously flawed as that.
