6 EXCUSES FOR NOT DRESSING UP

For some reason, not sure why, but it's probably something to do with Niva Retimanu, there are a lot of themed dress-up days at Newstalk ZB. Most recently we were instructed to turn up in our running gear in support of our entrants in this weekend's marathon. Of the 3 people pictured below, one is me, one is Kimberley Crossman and one didn't dress up. He never dresses up. Ever. How come?

1: Maybe nobody else will. There's only one thing more embarrassing than turning up not dressed up when everyone else is dressed up; that's turning up dressed up when no-one else is dressed up.

2: Maybe you've got the day wrong. When you ignore as many emails as Mike Hosking does every day, you can't be expected to remember things like dates, times and dress-up themes.

3: You've got an image to maintain. Don't get me wrong here. I certainly don't have an image to maintain. But apparently, some people have images that require maintenance.

4: Hat Hair. Again, this particular issue doesn't affect me personally, but many dress-ups seem to involve some kind of headwear and if you take pride in your hairstyle, that's just not a happening thing.

5: You don't want to draw attention to yourself. Some people may point out doing things like hosting a nationwide radio show attracts a certain amount of attention too. A completely DIFFERENT kind of attention though. Obviously.

6: It's a bit gay. Not that wearing flowery shirts is gay. Or moisturising. Or pants with cuffs. Or lady-boots. Dress-ups is though. Totally gay.

HOW TO BEAT MITT ROMNEY AT DEBATING IN 6 EASY STEPS

For some reason I find Mitt Romney really funny. It's nothing personal, I think it's just something to do with the way he acts and the things he says. But if you're considering debating him for the Presidency any time soon, here are a few helpful hints...

1: Come out dressed as Big Bird.

2: Carry a large binder under one wing marked "WOMEN".

3: Open with a dog joke. Nothing too complicated, maybe something like, "Just drove in from another state and boy am I DOG-tired."

4: Answer every question by saying, "47 percent." Technically, you'll probably be wrong. Morally, you'll be really right.

5: Slip Mitt a note that reads, "Don't look now, but your secret temple undergarments are showing."

6: Refute all his wild and completely unfounded right-wing allegations on joblessness, healthcare and terrorism with actual facts and statistics. Or failing that, just go with another dog joke.

6 REASONS I DIDN'T POST THIS BLOG YESTERDAY

Not sure how many of you are dedicated enough to notice, but I usually post a Silly Six-Pack every Saturday. Today is Sunday. What the hell happened?...

1: Daylight Savings. Oh, sure it may have happened 2 weeks ago, but freak, unforeseen 60 minute shifts in the time continuum have a massive influence on the forces of both silliness and six-packs. It's science.

2: Traffic. I'm pretty sure I live close enough to the Auckland CBD for this to be a viable excuse to be slightly late for anything.

3: I have a note from my doctor. Admittedly, this is to get me off work from when I dislocated my shoulder 11 weeks ago, but I didn't use it then, so it's still valid, right?

4: The government. I don't actually understand quite HOW the government is to blame, but after listening to about 12 years of talkback radio, I'm convinced most things are usually their fault.

5: Strong wind gusts. If they can prevent "Fearless Felix" from skydiving out of a balloon capsule 23 miles up, imagine the affect they can have on me. (I'm not fearless at all)

6: Systemic failure. See reasons 4, 1, 3, 2 and 5. And possibly 6.

6 BEERS I WOULDN'T MIND BEING NAMED AFTER

I know his name isn't ACTUALLY Heineken Mayer, but every time I hear the Springbok coach mentioned on TV or radio, that's how I hear it. While it would be awesome to be called Heineken, here are a few names it'd be even awesomer to be called...

1: Guinness. Obviously. Alec used it pretty successfully as a surname for almost his whole life. I'd be more than happy to use it for a first name - especially since I wouldn't even have to change my monogrammed towels.

2: Corona. Not the most manly of names, but I have this neat fantasy where I walk into the pub and everyone stops what they're doing to greet me with a verse of "My Sharona" with "Sharona" replaced with "Corona". I may have given this a bit too much thought.

3: Waikato. Obviously. Disgusting beer. Amazing province. Home of the Shield. Need I say more?

4: Tui or Moa. Both have a nice indigenous feel to them. Not sure if teachers could pronounce them correctly in class though.

5: Mac. Just Mac. No middle names. Especially given some of the middle names available if you're named after a Mac's beer include "Sassy Red" and "Spring Tide". Not so rugged.

6: Flame. Admittedly, this name really only works if you're a horse. But at least you'd be strong and cheap.