6 THINGS I LEARNED AT THE VODAFONE MUSIC AWARDS

Every year I say I'm not going to go because I'll be out past my bedtime, but every year I go anyway. This time, someone actually asked me if it's my favourite night of the year. It isn't, although here's what I found out about Kiwi music in 2012...

1: Kimbra is exactly as awesome as I thought she was. Not sure if you can learn something you already knew, but it was gratifying to see everyone else at my table learning it after I'd been banging on about her all night.

2: Young people's music isn't all bad. They seem to really like Six60, which is good because they're actually a good band who play great songs really well. Way to go, young people.

3: Presenting an awards ceremony is a tough gig. If people like Ricky Gervais and Russell Brand can't always get it right, it's hardly surprising some of Ben Boyce's jokes fell a bit flat. He wasn't terrible though, which is about the best you can hope for, I reckon. Not having the mic's turned up loud enough to hear Jamie Ridge speak was a stroke of genius, by the way.

4: Taika Waititi is one of New Zealand's funniest men. Ignore everything I said in thing #3. Just hire him to host the whole thing next time. If his material was scripted like everyone else's was, he's even more of a genius than I thought, because he got genuine laughs and not just groans of vague disintrest.

5: Home Brew are a bunch of dicks. No talent. Can't rap. Can't dance. Swear too much. Think they need to talk like their idea of 1990's American gangsters. Dicks.

6: Chris Knox was in a band called Toy Love. I thought his legacy was the song "Not Given Lightly." After hearing some of Toy Love's music, I still think that.

6 EXCUSES FOR NOT DRESSING UP

For some reason, not sure why, but it's probably something to do with Niva Retimanu, there are a lot of themed dress-up days at Newstalk ZB. Most recently we were instructed to turn up in our running gear in support of our entrants in this weekend's marathon. Of the 3 people pictured below, one is me, one is Kimberley Crossman and one didn't dress up. He never dresses up. Ever. How come?

1: Maybe nobody else will. There's only one thing more embarrassing than turning up not dressed up when everyone else is dressed up; that's turning up dressed up when no-one else is dressed up.

2: Maybe you've got the day wrong. When you ignore as many emails as Mike Hosking does every day, you can't be expected to remember things like dates, times and dress-up themes.

3: You've got an image to maintain. Don't get me wrong here. I certainly don't have an image to maintain. But apparently, some people have images that require maintenance.

4: Hat Hair. Again, this particular issue doesn't affect me personally, but many dress-ups seem to involve some kind of headwear and if you take pride in your hairstyle, that's just not a happening thing.

5: You don't want to draw attention to yourself. Some people may point out doing things like hosting a nationwide radio show attracts a certain amount of attention too. A completely DIFFERENT kind of attention though. Obviously.

6: It's a bit gay. Not that wearing flowery shirts is gay. Or moisturising. Or pants with cuffs. Or lady-boots. Dress-ups is though. Totally gay.

HOW TO BEAT MITT ROMNEY AT DEBATING IN 6 EASY STEPS

For some reason I find Mitt Romney really funny. It's nothing personal, I think it's just something to do with the way he acts and the things he says. But if you're considering debating him for the Presidency any time soon, here are a few helpful hints...

1: Come out dressed as Big Bird.

2: Carry a large binder under one wing marked "WOMEN".

3: Open with a dog joke. Nothing too complicated, maybe something like, "Just drove in from another state and boy am I DOG-tired."

4: Answer every question by saying, "47 percent." Technically, you'll probably be wrong. Morally, you'll be really right.

5: Slip Mitt a note that reads, "Don't look now, but your secret temple undergarments are showing."

6: Refute all his wild and completely unfounded right-wing allegations on joblessness, healthcare and terrorism with actual facts and statistics. Or failing that, just go with another dog joke.

6 REASONS I DIDN'T POST THIS BLOG YESTERDAY

Not sure how many of you are dedicated enough to notice, but I usually post a Silly Six-Pack every Saturday. Today is Sunday. What the hell happened?...

1: Daylight Savings. Oh, sure it may have happened 2 weeks ago, but freak, unforeseen 60 minute shifts in the time continuum have a massive influence on the forces of both silliness and six-packs. It's science.

2: Traffic. I'm pretty sure I live close enough to the Auckland CBD for this to be a viable excuse to be slightly late for anything.

3: I have a note from my doctor. Admittedly, this is to get me off work from when I dislocated my shoulder 11 weeks ago, but I didn't use it then, so it's still valid, right?

4: The government. I don't actually understand quite HOW the government is to blame, but after listening to about 12 years of talkback radio, I'm convinced most things are usually their fault.

5: Strong wind gusts. If they can prevent "Fearless Felix" from skydiving out of a balloon capsule 23 miles up, imagine the affect they can have on me. (I'm not fearless at all)

6: Systemic failure. See reasons 4, 1, 3, 2 and 5. And possibly 6.

6 BEERS I WOULDN'T MIND BEING NAMED AFTER

I know his name isn't ACTUALLY Heineken Mayer, but every time I hear the Springbok coach mentioned on TV or radio, that's how I hear it. While it would be awesome to be called Heineken, here are a few names it'd be even awesomer to be called...

1: Guinness. Obviously. Alec used it pretty successfully as a surname for almost his whole life. I'd be more than happy to use it for a first name - especially since I wouldn't even have to change my monogrammed towels.

2: Corona. Not the most manly of names, but I have this neat fantasy where I walk into the pub and everyone stops what they're doing to greet me with a verse of "My Sharona" with "Sharona" replaced with "Corona". I may have given this a bit too much thought.

3: Waikato. Obviously. Disgusting beer. Amazing province. Home of the Shield. Need I say more?

4: Tui or Moa. Both have a nice indigenous feel to them. Not sure if teachers could pronounce them correctly in class though.

5: Mac. Just Mac. No middle names. Especially given some of the middle names available if you're named after a Mac's beer include "Sassy Red" and "Spring Tide". Not so rugged.

6: Flame. Admittedly, this name really only works if you're a horse. But at least you'd be strong and cheap.

6 THINGS THE NEW ZEALAND AUTHORITIES GOT RIGHT IN THE DOTCOM CASE

Sure it's easy to judge. Sure there have been a few "human errors". Sure some evidence has been obtained "illegally". Sure some searches may have been a little "heavy-handed". But they can't have got it ALL wrong... CAN they?...

1: Um...

2: Oh, gee. Hang on...

3: No. There must be something...

4: Oh, hey. They answered that call from the F.B.I. pretty damn quickly.

5: Actually... in retrospect, that may also have been an error of judgement.

6: Nope. I've got nothing.

THE 6 MOST ANNOYING THINGS IN THE WORLD... LAST SATURDAY

I was obligated to attend my 8 year-old's soccer prize-giving ceremony last Saturday morning. While that in itself wasn't overly annoying (although, having to do ANYTHING on a Saturday morning peeves slightly), you won't believe what happened while it happened...

1: The couple sitting next to me brought a 2 year-old. This is unforgivable. If you're that committed to your kid that both parents have to be there, farm the younger one off to a relative. Get a sitter. Leave it at the MacDonalds playground for an hour. Do SOMETHING dammit. I'd rather adopt my kid out than force it to sit through something as boring as a prize-giving.

2: The same couple fed the kid CRISPY NOODLES to keep it happy. This is almost worthy of a double entry. Due to their crispiness, the noodles themselves are a loud enough snack as it is, however, these particular noodles seemed to be in a very large FOIL BAG. I guess that seals in the freshness but NOT THE DECIBELS!

3: Someone left their phone on. Guess who? That's right, the mother of the toddler sitting next to me, the toddler now smearing half-chewed crispy noodles all over my right sleeve. Why do people who leave their phones on always choose that "authentic, old-style ringing phone" ring tone. Munters.

4: She answered it. I'm not kidding. Right there, in the middle of the prize-giving, while they were handing out awards, she answered the phone and had an actual conversation. Out loud. (Pointless trying to whisper into a phone, I suppose. It'd be annoying if the person on the other end of the line couldn't hear you AS CLEARLY AS WE CAN)

5: Calling out "Go Jaydyn!" when Jaydyn's team is summoned to the stage to accept their awards. Luckily for the couple sitting next to me, Jaydyn wasn't THEIR older kid and they weren't doing the calling out, otherwise there may have been violence. I don't know if that's how you spell Jaydyn, but I certainly find the two Y's annoying, don't you?

6: Leaving early as soon as your child has their certificate. This is just bad manners. If everybody did this, there would only be one set of parents left at the end. These are probably the same kind of people who enter lifts before the people inside can get out. There's no excuse for that kind of behaviour. Oh, by the way, yes, it was the couple sitting next to me. Good riddance... and take your crispy, full-noise noodles with you.