6 SITUATIONS YOU NEED AN ORCHESTRA FOR

So the discussion document is out there... and apparently our orchestras may be under threat. I had no idea we even had so many orchestras, but it's not just pointy-headed culture snobs who'll miss them if they go - sometimes a full orchestra is the only thing that'll do, and these are those times...

1: When you're falling in love. If it's a one night stand, turn the lights down low and the Barry White up high. But if it's love, true love, you can't beat a string section in full bow.

2: Last Night at the Proms. Otherwise you'd have a whole theatre of people just standing there bobbing up and down for no reason between each chorus of Rule Britannia.

3: When it's a beautiful morning. You open the curtains. Sun streams in. New Zealand's out there. It deserves a sweeping soundtrack.

4: When there's a storm. Especially at sea. Horns. Cymbals. Those massive drums that look like cauldrons. Bring on the heavy weather.

5: When you're running away. Specifically if you're on horseback or if you're being chased by some kind of mythological creature. You know - like a dragon, or an orc, or a dark rider or something like that. NB: This rule doesn't apply to car chases, or foot chases over rooftops. Car chases require '70s-style guitar funk, foot chases need lots of drums - so maybe just the percussion section there.

6: When the fat lady sings. You can't just leave her warbling away in a horny hat holding a trident - she'd look like a reject from a busking festival, or an auditionee for New Zealand's Got Talent. Give the lady some accompaniment... THEN it'll be over.