6 THINGS THEY SHOULD TAX BEFORE CAR PARKS

By now, pretty much everybody seems to have agreed imposing some kind of fringe benefit tax on Auckland and Wellington businesses for their car parks is a stupid idea. But there are some other things we should look at, if for no other reason, to discourage people from using them...

1: H.S.T. (Harlem Shake Tax) I think we're all over these videos now, aren't we? It's only fair if someone still thinks they can make one that'll be funny, they should pay for the right. Perhaps there could be a rebate if it actually IS funny, which it won't be. (This tax will also cover any Gangnam Style parodies still out there as well)

2: C.A.T. (Current Affairs Tax) Between Seven Sharp, the 3rd Degree, Q & A, the Nation... there are just too many of these shows. We could use the income from this tax to make proper TV shows with spaceships and explosions and car chases.

3: I.L.T. (Inappropriate Lycra Tax) Sweaty cyclists who think it's acceptable to sit at the table next to me at my favourite cafe need to pay more, obviously.

4: P.V.T. (PXT Video Tax) Please stop filming EVERY DAMN THING with your smart phone. You're there, you're actually watching it. You don't need to watch it through a tiny screen as well.

5: F.H.T. (False Hope Tax) I'm invoicing both the Black Caps and the Warriors for this. If you're going to be useless, be consistently useless. Stop teasing us with the occasional amazing performance and stick to what you do best; under performing. Woefully.

6: G.W.O.T.T. (Governmental Waste of Time Tax) This is where we finally get something back. Asset sales arguments, Novopay, stupid car park taxes - they need to pay US for every minute of our lives they've been carelessly frittering away. We'll never get that time back, they owe us.