6 THINGS THE GCSB GOT WRONG

Oh, I know there's an OFFICIAL report into what's been going on at the GCSB, but any fool can spot a cover-up when they see one. Here's the REAL truth... if you can handle it...

1: The Name. GCSB sounds like a bank. How are you supposed to know you're being spied on if the suspicious van parked outside your house is marked "GCSB?" They should have gone with something like the New Zealand Spy Agency. Or maybe Spies R Us.

2: Didn't Keep Things Secret Enough. Did they miss the "This-message-will-self-destruct-in-60-seconds" lessons at spy school? How the hell is there a whole report on how useless they are?

3: Classified. I'd like to tell you what Number 3 is, but for reasons of national security, I can't.

4: Hiring Your Mate To Run It. This was never going to end well. What if, for some reason, he has to spy on YOU? See how these things can get complicated? Best to appoint somebody you already hate.

5: Putting John Key In Charge. I could be wrong, but I get the impression if anybody would enjoy overseeing a spy agency a little TOO much, it'd be Key-Diddle. I wonder if he makes them call him "K".

6: Kim DotCom. Be honest, who'd ever even HEARD of the GCSB until they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? Now I think of it, who'd ever even heard of KIM DOTCOM before they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? It was the best publicity either of them ever got.