6 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE INTERNET

Somehow this month, yet again, we ran out of broadband. We have a plan which allows us quite a bit of broadband, but it turns out there are only so many YouTube videos about how to play Minecraft you can watch before your 50gb are gone and you're back down to dial-up speed. So now that my Facebook page takes approximately 830 times longer to load, (that's if it does) what to do in the meantime?

1: Complete Your Memoirs. Ah, the stories I could tell. Like that time I grew mysteriously older because my internet was working so slowly.

2: Write that Opera. Doesn't have to be classical - maybe just something light for Broadway or the West End.

3: Read the Collected Works of J.K. Rowling. Well, not that last one, obviously. Everybody says that was rubbish. Just stick to the Harry Potters. How long could it take?

4: Learn an Instrument. Apparently the harp is quite complicated, but I reckon once you figure out how to balance it on that skinny bit at the bottom, everything else will just fall into place.

5: Cure Cancer. Admittedly, researching this without high-speed internet access is going to be challenging, but nothing worth doing ever came easy.

6: Discover the Meaning of Life. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with keeping a closer eye on your broadband usage so you never run out EVER AGAIN!