6 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT THE AUCKLAND RAIL LOOP

Super mayor Len Brown looked like the cat who got the cream this week, when it was announced the government was coming to the party to help pay for his life-sized train set. Well, they'll help pay for it in 2020, maybe - but still, a win's a win, right Len? Anyway, why the hell should the rest of the country stump up for Auckland's new tube?

1: It's Nice to See Len Smiling Instead of Hitting Himself on the Head. Self harm is never okay.

2: Why Should Christchurch Get All the New Stuff?

3: Exciting Chase Scenes in Movies and TV Shows. Once we have a real live subway, cops can chase bad guys in and out of it. Admittedly, hobbits already have their own holes, but I'm sure they could work some kind of subterranean cliffhanger into an episode of Shortland Street.

4: Finally, a Clearly Defined Career Path for Buskers. Obviously the Auckland Underground would be the ultimate stage for any budding kiwi street performer.

5: A Boon to New Zealand's Escalator Manufacturing Sector. We make these, right? I hope so, because we're going to need heaps.

6: Bailing Out MediaWorks. Presumably John Campbell got some kind of grant to pay for his helicopter ride over the proposed route the other night. I mean, they're in receivership - where else would they have got the money?

6 THINGS SKYTV SHOULD REALLY BE SHOWING

This week, some were concerned when they heard the news SkyTV had lost the rights to broadcast the English Premier League. Not sure why, it's only soccer. However, this obviously frees up quite a bit of airtime for more useful broadcasts...

1: Shows They Never Made Enough Episodes Of. Fawlty Towers is the obvious one. Only 12 half-hours of genius. Six Feet Under should still be on too, if for no other reason, to teach young people how to swear properly.

2: Reality TV. There's not nearly enough reality TV for my liking. Can we do a show where overweight celebrities nobody's ever heard of have to cook a whole new house while ballroom dancing, singing, ice skating and cliff diving... into a vat of live sea snakes?

3: Business House Competitions. I can't remember the last time a saw live indoor cricket on telly.

4: Club Nights. These don't need to be live. In fact, I'd prefer if they weren't, that way I could watch myself playing social badminton on Tuesday nights, on Wednesday.

5: Quiz Nights. I don't mean Nothing Trivial, I mean ACTUAL quiz nights. Could we link different pubs via satellite? We probably can, given they're not broadcasting live football.

6: The Mike Hosking Breakfast on Newstalk ZB. You've actually been able to watch this on our website for years. Keep up, EPL.

6 OTHER PEOPLE WE'D BE HAPPY TO HOST

It's no surprise there's been a bit of talk C.I.A. whistle-blower Edward Snowden might like to hang out in New Zealand for a while, given the sweet time fellow fugitive Kim DotCom's been showing us all down here. You know; fireworks displays, celebrity interviews and all the movies we can watch. Apart from Snowden, who else should we be trying to lure to our safe shores?...

1: Bashar al-Assad. I'm sure Syria's a nice enough place, and Assad makes being in charge of it looks easy. Perhaps he needs a more challenging role, like president of United Future, for example.

2: A Selection of Turkish Demonstrators. Those guys really know how to protest. Music, yoga, tear gas - classic combo.

3: Nelson Mandela. I don't know about you, but if I had an entire country outside my hospital room waiting for me to die, I could probably do with a change of scenery. A bit of fresh air, maybe some bungy jumping and a tour of Hobbiton, I'm sure it'd do him the world of good.

4: Simon Cowell. For some reason all the reality shows that are awesome overseas suck when we do them. I believe Mr. Cowell can fix this. Oh, and we'd never waste perfectly good eggs by throwing them at you.

5: Elvis. We pretty much keep ourselves to ourselves down here. I'm sure we wouldn't feel the need to go running to the National Enquirer every time we see you in the supermarket.

6: Julia Gillard. Yes, you're wildly unpopular. Yes, you're Australian. Yes, you're a flaming ginga. Yes, you have ridiculously massive earlobes. Actually, no, on reflection we don't want you. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

6 THINGS RAPPERS ALWAYS SAY

This week, kiwi hip-hoppers Smashproof entered the charts at number 6 with their new single, "Paint Fade". As I'm sure you're aware, I am a MASSIVE fan of talking songs, especially the way they ALWAYS start with one of the following tried and true pearls of lyrical wisdom...

1: "Uh." It's difficult to know exactly what this means, although I don't doubt it's something incredibly deep, given almost every rap song ever starts this way. I really hope it's not just them clearing their throats with their mic accidentally on.

2: "Yeah." Hard to argue with someone who starts by agreeing with you.

3: "Come On." We owe these guys a tremendous debt of gratitude, for translating the immortal words of the late, great Michael Jackson. Till now, we thought he was saying, "Shum On." That'd just be stupid.

4: "Uh." Yes, I know they've already said this once, but something this profound can't be overstated.

5: Their Own Name. Nothing worse than not knowing who's talking their song at you. All musicians should introduce themselves before they start playing, it's just manners. Admittedly, if you've bought their album, you probably already had a sneaking suspicion who was performing, especially by about the 3rd track, but let's not get bogged down in details.

6: The Name of the Featured Guest Artist. I don't pretend to understand how it all works, but it seems pretty much any rap song that's ever been recorded isn't just by the act who recorded it. They always invite someone else to help. Isn't it nice the hip-hop community is so caring and sharing?

6 OTHER THINGS THEY SHOULD HAVE IN SCHOOLS

Wow... how about that "Food in Schools" debate? Amazing how some people think by starving the children of neglectful parents, we're somehow teaching the neglectful parents a lesson. Anyway, I think feeding kids at school is a great idea, because I really hate cooking so now I won't have to do as much. Here are some more ideas that could save me some valuable time and money...

1: Smart Phones. Schools should be supplying these from Year 1. How else are they supposed to teach kids about cyber-bullying?

2: Samsung Galaxy Note 8.0's. Spare a thought for those poor kids who only have iPads. So bulky. So last month.

3: Cool Teachers. You know that young guy with the dreads who takes Media Studies and runs the surfing club? The one who gets all the kids to call him by his first name? We need more of him.

4: Ball Gowns and Limousines. If they want to run the pre and after parties, let 'em take care of the lot, I say.

5: Synthetic Marijuana. The important thing is we know where it comes from, right? Right?

6: Schools. This one is specifically for the Christchurch kids. It'd be nice if there was an actual school there when they got there. Or am I being too pie-in-the-sky?

6 ADVANTAGES OF HOLIDAYING IN SPACE

It was revealed this week New Zealanders have already spent over $2million booking seats with Virgin Galactic's trips to space. After initially poo-pooing the idea, I'm beginning to come round. Here's why...

1: All You Can Eat Buffet. Ever worried about holiday weight-gain? No such thing in an anti-gravity environment.

2: Your Flight Will Probably Leave On Time. It's actually rocket science.

3: Passenger Envy. You know the feeling of inadequacy you experience when you board a plane and have to shimmy past all those flash bastards in business class? No business class on "Spaceship Two". Or maybe at $230,000 a ticket, all 6 seats ARE business class.

4: No Loo Queue. Like I said, only 6 seats. To be perfectly honest, I think you probably just go in your suit. Luxury.

5: The Cocktails Are Out of This World. Admittedly, everything is. But still.

6: No Need To Be Bikini Fit. Nobody will be comparing bodies by the pool - there's no pool. Very difficult to keep the water in in zero gravity. Shame really, you can tan REALLY FAST in space.

6 TIMES YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE UP YOUR SEAT

This week, a Gold Elite flyer made headlines when she refused to give up her seat to another woman in a wheelchair. Contrary to popular belief, this is perfectly acceptable in certain circumstances...

1: If You've Already Started Watching a Movie. It's hard enough following a complicated plot with all those PA interruptions to your in-flight entertainment. The last thing you need is to have to fast-forward to where you got up to from a new seat.

2: If You Think They're Faking It. Forcing them to prove they really ARE disabled can be a bit embarrassing if they really ARE disabled, but sometimes you've just got to follow your instincts.

3: If They Look Like a Terrorist. How the hell did they get that "wheelchair" (ie: potential weapon of mass destruction) through the metal detectors anyway?

4: If Your New Seat Is Close To Children. Nobody should be forced to endure that kind of torture for any reason. Alternatively, I've actively sought out people with disabilities to swap seats with to get away from my OWN kids. Well worth the effort.

5: If You're Asleep. We all know it's virtually impossible to get any sleep on a plane. If, by some miracle, you HAVE actually managed to drop off, anyone who disturbs you should be fired immediately. Unless they're serving drinks.

6: If You're the Pilot. Very difficult to steer the plane from the back.