THE FIRST 6 THINGS TO CROSS MY MIND AT THE END OF THE WORLD

Okay... now it isn't December 21, 2012 ANYWHERE anymore, looks like we can safely say the Mayans were way out of whack with their apocalypse thing. However, when I was woken up just after 4:30 this morning by some crazy, "Please evacuate the building!" type siren which went off for nearly an hour, I began to wonder if they had it right after all. Here's what I spent my final moments of existence thinking...

1: Can't believe my first night's sleep on holiday after having to get up at 3 all year is being ruined by the end of the world.

2: Should I put some clothes on? You know, if I'm about to be involved in some mayhem in the streets, perhaps I should try and find a T-shirt.

3:At least I won't have to mow the lawns today.

4: Damn it. I was really looking forward to opening that Christmas present I bought for myself. To think I could have been using it all this time and now I won't get to.

5: I wonder if the internet's still working. Then I can Google what to wear for Armageddon.

6. I could really go a mince and cheese pie right now. (Then again, I'm usually thinking that, so no change there)

6 REASONS YOU SHOULD NEVER PRINT YOUR OWN CHRISTMAS CARDS

It always seems like such a good idea at the time - whip out the old Publisher program, come up with something that looks pretty professional, yet with a nice, personal touch. Don't you remember all the things that went wrong LAST YEAR???...

1: Your printer doesn't do cardboard. Oh, I know it's SUPPOSED to. But it doesn't.

2: You don't have enough paper. Of course, you didn't realise you'd need any paper, because you thought you were going to be using cardboard. Trouble is, you need to send the cards first thing and the nearest stationery shop has just closed. For the holidays.

3: You've buggered up all last year's holiday photos by cropping them in silly shapes, changing the colours and then accidentally saving them over the originals. That's one Christmas you'll never get back.

4: It's not printing properly. Maybe the nozzles are clogged. How do you make it do that head cleaning thing again? Why can't you cancel the printing? Probably should have printed a test page before doing 60 copies. That may have been a mistake. Stop printing, damn you!

5: You've done the head cleaning thing so much you've run out of coloured ink. Guess you should have stocked up. Never mind, you can do them in black and white. It'll make them look arty.

6: You've run out of black ink too. Bugger. How can it be 1AM already?

THE 6 WORST THINGS ABOUT EXPECTING A ROYAL BABY

Being a princess isn't all royal tours and jubilees. Once you've been commanded to produce an heir, the pressures really start to pile up...

1: People wanting to touch your tummy. It's bad enough having to shake hands on those royal walk-abouts. Those yobbos need to learn about personal space.

2: Crowning. This is something that happens just as you're about to give birth. Quite painful apparently. Now imagine it with a real crown involved.

3: Names. Always tricky - even more so for a future monarch. Music and movies are often big influences here, so Prince Bilbo for a boy? If it's a girl, I'm thinking Gaga. We already have a Lady called that, so we know it works with a title. Princess Gaga could also be the first baby in history to say her own name as her first words.

4: Kate's boobs. Come on, we've all been thinking about them. Breast or bottle, I mean. What were YOU on about?

5: The red hair threat. Imagine if it comes out a ginga. After all, it happened with it's uncle.

6: Having to deal with not looking like a stick insect for a few months. It must be just awful to be that skinny, then suddenly not be skinny. I don't even want to think about it. Luckily, I'll never have to.

6 REASONS THERE'S NO SILLY SIX-PACK THIS WEEK

If you've come looking for this week's Silly Six-Pack, my apologies. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it was never going to happen. Here's why...

1: It's my birthday. Hey, if it's good enough for the Warehouse to give their team their birthdays off, it's good enough for me.

2: I'm drunk. After all, it IS my birthday.

3: I'm asleep. Drinking after getting up at 3AM for over a decade is a pretty narcoleptic combination. There's a lot of stuff I can do in my sleep but this blog requires a bit more effort. Not MUCH more, but a bit.

4: When you're as old as me, you start to forget thi

5: I'm out of the country. This is a brilliant excuse for just about anything. Especially when it's true. Which amazingly, today, it is.

6: Due to reason #5, to make it work, I'd have to have written all this last Wednesday and nobody's THAT organised.

6 REASONS WOMEN MAKE TERRIBLE BISHOPS

This week, the C of E decided to not let women be bishops again. Still. Hitherto. Good job too. Here's why...

1: Women take ages to put their dresses on. Church services would obviously be delayed left right and centre. You can say what you like about men in frocks, but at least they turn up on time.

2: "Educating" choir boys. Women probably don't even get why I put the word educating in quotation marks.

3: They probably think God is a girl.

4: Rather than telling you what to think, they'd just expect you to know what THEY'RE thinking.

5: Lipstick on the communion glasses.

6: They might make organised religion seem more mainstream, logical and you know, NORMAL.

6 THINGS I ACTUALLY LIKE ABOUT CHARLES

It'd be safe to say I'm not the biggest royalist in the country. In fact, if you were to suggest I consider the royal family to be a monumental waste of everybody's time, money and attention, I probably wouldn't disagree. However, as a bloke, Chas ain't all bad...

1: He doesn't think it's rude to talk to people with your sunglasses on. This sets a great precedent for me as I wear prescription sunnies and it's a real pain in the arse swapping specs just to pay for your petrol.

2: He shares his food. Even cake. Even on his birthday. With 64 other people. Legend.

3: He's turned on by a woman's personality, not just her looks. Clearly.

4: He doesn't visit too often. Can't stand people who are always coming round, can you? Don't they have homes of their own to go to? (Actually, just quoting Mike Hosking a bit there)

5: He's not afraid to visit Feilding. (I'm allowed to make jokes about Feilding, I went to intermediate school there. That's how I know how to spell it properly)

6: He's resisted the temptation to poison his mother so he can have her job. For decades.

6 ALTERNATIVES TO "LORD MAYOR"

Turns out nobody in the Wellington area is particularly keen on the title, "Lord Mayor" for whoever is lucky enough to end up being in charge of the capital's version of Auckland's super city. Are you with me? Anyway, I thought I'd offer a few second choices...

1: Your Royal Majesty Mayor On High. Not much less pompous than Lord Mayor, but a bit.

2: Super Mayor. I've often wondered why Len Brown didn't go for this one. Instead he went with the slightly less cool, "Mayor In a Chair."

3: Sauron. Come on, they'll basically be ruling the capital of Middle Earth. Give them a ring and a bad-ass volcano too.

4: Boss Hogg. There are some obvious similarities between the Wellington region and Hazzard County, revolving mostly around traffic issues. Nothing a few Roscoe P. Coltrane-style speed-traps wouldn't sort out. It's good for the boss's first name to actually be "Boss" too, I reckon. (If you still have no idea what I'm on about, google Dukes of Hazzard. The original awesome TV series, not the try-hard movie remake)

5: Mum. Automatically generates a climate of respect AND she'll have the authority to send any whinging ratepayers to their rooms.

6: Ooh! Ah! Umaga! Admittedly, this really only works if they elect Tana Umaga, but he'd be as good as anyone, wouldn't he?