6 TRANSPORT ALTERNATIVES FOR KIM DOTCOM

Just when we thought Kim DotCom couldn't do anything crazier, he almost crashes his helicopter weekend before last. I don't know about you, but I'd miss that wacky, cuddly German gazillionaire if he accidentally did himself in, so here are my suggestions for some safer ways to get about the place...

1: Segue. Weren't these supposed to be the transport of the future? Not sure what DotCom's sense of balance is like, but these have to be useful for something, surely.

2: Bubble. Admittedly, it would have to be quite a heavy-duty bubble, and floating around whichever way the wind blows isn't the fastest. Pretty though.

3: Rolling. Like a human snowball, couldn't we just get Kim up a hill, point him in the right direction and give him a shove? Slight risk of avalanche I suppose.

4: Zorb. (That big, inflatable ball thing) This is really just a more durable combination of options 2 and 3. He'll be pretty dizzy by the time I've finished with him, I can assure you.

5: Presidential motorcade. 9 or 10 vehicles should be enough. If anybody's got the cars for it, he has.

6: Virtual travel. Does the king of the internet have to ACTUALLY go places? Can't he just beam himself into an avatar? Maybe New Zealand broadband is too slow for that. No wonder he wants that second line into the country.