6 THINGS TO DO ON MARS

Millionaire space tourist, Dennis Tito has announced plans to get to Mars in 2018. You remember this guy - he paid the Russians for the opportunity to throw up in orbit. So if Mars IS the new hot holiday destination, what are the must-do activities once you get there?...

1: Breathing. Given the red planet's atmosphere is about 1% as thick as ours, this can be quite a challenge, but it's really quite rewarding if you get the chance.

2: Roving. Everyone's doing it, isn't it time you found out what all the fuss is about?

3: Photo Opportunities. Oh, sure some people have described the Martian surface as a neverending desolate expanse of featureless wasteland, but it hasn't stopped previous visitors sending back thousands of high-def pics. Presumably you can still upload to Dropbox from there.

4: Hit the Slopes. Admittedly, due to an unprecedented spell of dry weather, there's not a lot of moisture around for actual snow which is a shame, as it's certainly cold enough with nighttime temperatures dropping as low as -70. But there ARE quite a few mountains, including the Solar System's tallest, Olympus Mons. Great view from 27 KILOMETRES UP... of not much. No chairlifts though, so it's a bit of a hike.

5: Lose Weight. That's right, this is one holiday guaranteed to help you SHED the pounds instead of stacking them on, mostly due to the gravity being just over a third of what we have to cope with on Earth. Now you can go crazy at the buffet, without the guilt.

6: Plan Your Invasion. Ever wanted shoot stuff with lasers, snatch some bodies and be taken to Earth's leaders? Mars is perfect launching spot, just ask the locals.

MY 6 FAVOURITE TALKBACK CLICHES

When you work in talk radio, it doesn't take long to pick up on a few tried and true chestnuts many callers seem obliged to repeat. Take note, if you want to sound like a pro, these are the old standards...

 1: "First time caller, long time listener." So how do you know how to say that then?

2: "I'm not racist, but..." This always, ALWAYS means what you are about to say is really, really racist.

3: "Some of my best friends are gay." Even if this is true, (and it probably isn't) it won't be true once that caller's alleged gay friends hear whatever comes next. It's likely to be something so blatantly homophobic, it'll take their fabulous breath away.

4: "What are we talking about tonight?" Yes, that's right. Some of a callers are so talented, they can voice a considered opinion about anything - even if they've only heard what it is once the host puts them to air. Kudos.

5: "But that's not what I rang about." In spite of the fact they've just been talking about something for 10 minutes without pausing for breath, they weren't yet talking about what they rang to talk about. Impressive.

6: "Snoring." This is usually a midnight to dawn thing. Usually it's the callers who fall asleep on air, sometimes the host. That always makes for riveting radio.

6 PRIME PROSPECTS FOR POPE

Within minutes of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, catholic social media was abuzz with predictions of who the new pontiff might be. Here are a few of my own...

1: Sonny Bill Williams. He just needs to confirm if it was 10 or 12 commandments first.

2: John Key. He loves being in charge of things. And he's not nearly as Jewish as he used to be.

3: Lady Gaga. If anybody knows how to wear an over-the-top frock and a crazy hat, she does.

4: Psy. If nothing else, Gangnam Style proved he can turn a song with lyrics nobody understands into a massive world-wide hit. One or two wacky dance moves could really liven things up at mass too.

5: Lance Armstrong. When it comes to denying obvious truths everyone figured out years ago, he's your man. Not sure how confidential he'd keep your confession though.

6: Winston Peters. No-one has more experience dealing with the embarrassing antics of his underlings than he has.