6 SITUATIONS YOU NEED AN ORCHESTRA FOR

So the discussion document is out there... and apparently our orchestras may be under threat. I had no idea we even had so many orchestras, but it's not just pointy-headed culture snobs who'll miss them if they go - sometimes a full orchestra is the only thing that'll do, and these are those times...

1: When you're falling in love. If it's a one night stand, turn the lights down low and the Barry White up high. But if it's love, true love, you can't beat a string section in full bow.

2: Last Night at the Proms. Otherwise you'd have a whole theatre of people just standing there bobbing up and down for no reason between each chorus of Rule Britannia.

3: When it's a beautiful morning. You open the curtains. Sun streams in. New Zealand's out there. It deserves a sweeping soundtrack.

4: When there's a storm. Especially at sea. Horns. Cymbals. Those massive drums that look like cauldrons. Bring on the heavy weather.

5: When you're running away. Specifically if you're on horseback or if you're being chased by some kind of mythological creature. You know - like a dragon, or an orc, or a dark rider or something like that. NB: This rule doesn't apply to car chases, or foot chases over rooftops. Car chases require '70s-style guitar funk, foot chases need lots of drums - so maybe just the percussion section there.

6: When the fat lady sings. You can't just leave her warbling away in a horny hat holding a trident - she'd look like a reject from a busking festival, or an auditionee for New Zealand's Got Talent. Give the lady some accompaniment... THEN it'll be over.

6 WAYS NATIONAL CAN SAVE ITS MARRIAGE WITH MAORI

The honeymoon seems well and truly over for National and the Maori Party. Like no-one saw that coming. But is this relationship a lost cause, or will John Key make an effort to smooth things over? If he does want to prolong the magic, here's a few pointers...

1: Try to notice the little things. If you think Pita Sharples has trimmed the facial hair recently, say so. Nobody ever complained about being over-complimented.

2: Stop putting the Maori Council and the Waitangi Tribunal down in public. Look, everyone has embarrassing relatives, but you don't have to make the Maori Party feel stink about theirs in front of everybody else.

3: Call for no reason. Just pick up the phone to say "hello", or "I love you". Or at least give the impression you remember who they are.

4: When you're behind closed doors and the lights go out, why not just make it about the cuddles for a change? Does it always have to end up in coalition talks and policy decisions? Can't you be content to just hold each other for a while?

5: See if you can get Bill English to pronounce the word, "Maori" correctly.

6: Whatever you do, don't try and smooth things over by sending flowers. They probably think they own those too.

6 REASONS WE LOVE KIM DOTCOM

In just a matter of a few months, Kim Dotcom has gone from being viewed with suspicion as an alleged multi-media copyright pirate, to one of our most talked-about celebrities.
So what is it about Kim that's made him such an object of affection?...

1: He makes us feel slim. And by us, I mean the entire population. We could all stand next to him and we'd still look skinny.

2: The guy really knows how to throw a party. Fireworks. Girls. Cars. Helicopters. Mansion. Legend.

3: He made John Banks look silly. Now I know John Banks often looks silly - but it's not every day he looks $50k silly. That's pretty silly.

4: He has a real live New York lawyer called "Ira". And best of all, he sounds just like a real live New York lawyer called "Ira".

5: He's dodgy, but only alleged-intellectual-property dodgy. Nobody's saying he killed anyone or funded a military coup or anything. That we know of.

6: He let us "borrow" all those great movies.

6 REASONS MELISSA ETHERIDGE IS A GENUINE ROCK LEGEND

I went to Melissa Etheridge last time she toured here, 16 years ago. I've always remembered it as one of the best shows I've ever seen - no frills, jeans, T-shirt and old-fashioned guitar rock'n'roll. Going by her performance the other night, nothing's changed...

1: Still totally smokin' in leather pants - even at 51.

2: She can play a guitar solo on her lead guitarist's guitar by reaching around from behind him WHILE HE'S ALSO PLAYING A GUITAR SOLO! Hard to describe, but amazing to watch.

3: Played her new single live for the first time ever, and most people actually listened to it all the way through - AND clapped at the end.

4: Only played that one song from her new album during the concert. She's not stupid.

5: Attracts an amazing number of chicks to her shows. Just saying.

6: Her baby's got her heart. Her baby's got her mind. But tonight the sweet devil's got her soul. Come on... doesn't get any more rock'n'roll than that.

6 REASONS GETTING UP AT 3:10AM IS TOTALLY AWESOME

One of the totally neato perks of being glennzb is having to arrive to work at 4 every morning to produce the widely acclaimed Newstalk ZBeen podcast. To the uninitiated, such an early start may seem, I don't know, what's the phrase?... Cruel and unusual? But it's not all bad...

1: I never have to decide what to wear to work. That's because I already chose my outfit the night before and hung it on the back of the bathroom door so I wouldn't bother anyone else in the house rummaging around for clean undies.

2: If I DO happen to disturb the Domestic Manager, I know I won't get into that much trouble because she still has a reasonable amount of time to get back to sleep. And by reasonable, I mean about FOUR HOURS. Not that I'm bitter.

3: If I happen to wake up at 3:09, I don't have to lie tossing and turning for an awkward amount of time knowing my alarm'll be going off soon. It'll be going off in 1 minute.

4: I beat the traffic. By some considerable margin. Hours actually. Sometimes I drive to work in reverse all the way, just for funsies.

5: I get to meet more vampires at that hour.

6: It could be worse. At least I'm not getting up at 2:10. Right? RIGHT?