6 THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT SUMMER

Turns out that "Endless Summer" we were having had an end after all. Bugger.

1: The Not Raining. Lulled into a false sense of dry security, I recently bought my first ever pair of suede shoes. I should have known I'd only get to wear them once.

2: Tossing and Turning. Yes, it's true hot nights can prevent a good night's sleep, as you lie awake worrying about things that aren't actually problems. The cool thing about that is in the morning, you realise they're not really problems. Saves wasting time and energy solving the problems.

3: Getting Washing Dry. Admit it, we all have favourite knickers, second-favourite knickers and then the knickers we'd rather not wear if we can possibly avoid it. Sadly, once the washing pile starts stacking up, it's time to don those ugly undies.

4: Abstaining From Gardening. No point watering things that are dead. No need to weed weeds that haven't grown. Can't mow a lawn that's turned to dust. What a shame.

5: Electing Not to Go to the Beach. Just because I LIVE at the beach, doesn't mean I have to GO to the beach. When you're having an endless summer, you can just go to the beach tomorrow, right? DAMN IT!

6: Not having to clean my glasses EVERY BLOODY SECOND because they've just been rained on. I'll see you next summer. I mean that literally; I won't be able to see you properly until it stops raining.

6 THINGS THE GCSB GOT WRONG

Oh, I know there's an OFFICIAL report into what's been going on at the GCSB, but any fool can spot a cover-up when they see one. Here's the REAL truth... if you can handle it...

1: The Name. GCSB sounds like a bank. How are you supposed to know you're being spied on if the suspicious van parked outside your house is marked "GCSB?" They should have gone with something like the New Zealand Spy Agency. Or maybe Spies R Us.

2: Didn't Keep Things Secret Enough. Did they miss the "This-message-will-self-destruct-in-60-seconds" lessons at spy school? How the hell is there a whole report on how useless they are?

3: Classified. I'd like to tell you what Number 3 is, but for reasons of national security, I can't.

4: Hiring Your Mate To Run It. This was never going to end well. What if, for some reason, he has to spy on YOU? See how these things can get complicated? Best to appoint somebody you already hate.

5: Putting John Key In Charge. I could be wrong, but I get the impression if anybody would enjoy overseeing a spy agency a little TOO much, it'd be Key-Diddle. I wonder if he makes them call him "K".

6: Kim DotCom. Be honest, who'd ever even HEARD of the GCSB until they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? Now I think of it, who'd ever even heard of KIM DOTCOM before they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? It was the best publicity either of them ever got.

6 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE INTERNET

Somehow this month, yet again, we ran out of broadband. We have a plan which allows us quite a bit of broadband, but it turns out there are only so many YouTube videos about how to play Minecraft you can watch before your 50gb are gone and you're back down to dial-up speed. So now that my Facebook page takes approximately 830 times longer to load, (that's if it does) what to do in the meantime?

1: Complete Your Memoirs. Ah, the stories I could tell. Like that time I grew mysteriously older because my internet was working so slowly.

2: Write that Opera. Doesn't have to be classical - maybe just something light for Broadway or the West End.

3: Read the Collected Works of J.K. Rowling. Well, not that last one, obviously. Everybody says that was rubbish. Just stick to the Harry Potters. How long could it take?

4: Learn an Instrument. Apparently the harp is quite complicated, but I reckon once you figure out how to balance it on that skinny bit at the bottom, everything else will just fall into place.

5: Cure Cancer. Admittedly, researching this without high-speed internet access is going to be challenging, but nothing worth doing ever came easy.

6: Discover the Meaning of Life. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with keeping a closer eye on your broadband usage so you never run out EVER AGAIN!