6 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT EASTER

All holidays are great. Easter may be the greatest of all. Here's why...

1: Mondayisation. This holiday is SO Mondayised, they even call one of the days Easter Monday. That's how we do it, government. And this is an old school holiday too - it must've been around for a couple of thousand years or so.

2: Fridayisation. I think this is also something to be encouraged. Why have one day off when you can have TWO? Waitangi Day, you're looking more and more ridiculous every second.

3: Foil Easter Egg Wrappers. Don't you just love meticulously smoothing these out and then gluing them in a special scrapbook? Oh come on! I can't be the only one who did this as a kid can I? Can I?

4: Surprise Dates. What could be more fun than a public holiday that nobody can predict WHEN it will actually happen every year? Crazy.

5: Traffic. Going away for long weekends is really the only time I get to drive the Domestic Manager's car. It's awesome, so if I have to spend hours in a bumper-to-bumper queue trying to escape the city, no biggie. I'm just enjoying the atmos.

6: Exercise. What a great opportunity to really crack into my autumn workout regime. Right? Either that, or I could spend 4 days eating and drinking too much. Hmmm... Tough decision.

6 THINGS THAT ARE EASIER TO FORGET THAN $50k

Strange week for Labour leader David Shearer, apparently "forgetting" an account containing $50,000. You can forget anything I suppose, but not many of us can overlook a balance like that. We're too busy forgetting stuff like this...

1: Anniversaries and Birthdays. I'm pretty sure this is compulsory for husbands, boyfriends and men generally world-wide. Geez we're useless. Why do you bother?

2: Your Children. So many sports practices, music rehearsals, play-dates and sleepovers - you're bound to get it wrong sometimes. That's why god invented cellphones; so we can all find each other.

3: Car Keys and Sunglasses. Yes, I know you're SUPPOSED to put them back in the same place every time, but sometimes you just DON'T, okay???

4: Where You Parked Your Car. This is not the same thing as forgetting you HAVE a car. I wonder if Shearer's ever forgotten he HAS a car? Quite possibly.

5: Leaving the Oven or Iron On. You haven't... Unless you don't waste precious time going back to check, then you probably have and your house has burned down. Shame.

6: Putting the Rubbish Out. I forgot this this week. Now our bin is still full and I've got nowhere to put the next 7 days' refuse. Bugger. Nothing makes you feel more like a bad husband and neglectful father than forgetting to put the rubbish out. Still, if I could suddenly remember a bank account with heaps of money in it, that'd probably make me feel a bit better.

6 THINGS THEY SHOULD TAX BEFORE CAR PARKS

By now, pretty much everybody seems to have agreed imposing some kind of fringe benefit tax on Auckland and Wellington businesses for their car parks is a stupid idea. But there are some other things we should look at, if for no other reason, to discourage people from using them...

1: H.S.T. (Harlem Shake Tax) I think we're all over these videos now, aren't we? It's only fair if someone still thinks they can make one that'll be funny, they should pay for the right. Perhaps there could be a rebate if it actually IS funny, which it won't be. (This tax will also cover any Gangnam Style parodies still out there as well)

2: C.A.T. (Current Affairs Tax) Between Seven Sharp, the 3rd Degree, Q & A, the Nation... there are just too many of these shows. We could use the income from this tax to make proper TV shows with spaceships and explosions and car chases.

3: I.L.T. (Inappropriate Lycra Tax) Sweaty cyclists who think it's acceptable to sit at the table next to me at my favourite cafe need to pay more, obviously.

4: P.V.T. (PXT Video Tax) Please stop filming EVERY DAMN THING with your smart phone. You're there, you're actually watching it. You don't need to watch it through a tiny screen as well.

5: F.H.T. (False Hope Tax) I'm invoicing both the Black Caps and the Warriors for this. If you're going to be useless, be consistently useless. Stop teasing us with the occasional amazing performance and stick to what you do best; under performing. Woefully.

6: G.W.O.T.T. (Governmental Waste of Time Tax) This is where we finally get something back. Asset sales arguments, Novopay, stupid car park taxes - they need to pay US for every minute of our lives they've been carelessly frittering away. We'll never get that time back, they owe us.

6 WAYS TO AVOID SINKHOLES

Since a man and his bedroom disappeared down a Florida sinkhole last weekend, obviously we've all been concerned about how we can avoid the same thing happening to us. If you've been watching 11ish this week, you may have already heard some of my suggestions, but for a matter of public safety like this, I think they're worth repeating...

1: Sleep Spreadeagled. Basically, the more body surface you can create, the less likely you are to fit down a hole. This could be a problem if your partner insists on half the bed for themselves.

2: Chain Yourself to Something. Just use whatever chains/ropes/handcuffs you already have handy in the bedroom, but preferably attach them to something OUTSIDE the bedroom.

3: Don't Sleep. This is a pretty obvious one, but let me spell it out for you; if you don't want to be sucked into a sinkhole in your sleep, don't sleep. Admittedly, this will not prevent you being sucked into a sinkhole fully conscious.

4: Helium Balloons. This is a bit fiddly, but pretty effective. Attach helium balloons to various bits of yourself - wrists, knees, ankles, neck, elbows - that way, even if the whole house sinks, you won't. I hear weightless sleeping is pretty good for the back too.

5: Sleep In a Different Place Every Night. The sinkhole can't get you if it can't find you.

6: Move to a Mine or a Cave. Presumably if you're already down a hole, you can't then fall down a hole.