It's been encouraging to see the balanced reaction the New Zealand sporting public has had to Emirates Team New Zealand's inexplicable inability to win one more stupid race after winning eight so easily. So glad we, as a nation, are more than capable of keeping these things in perspective. I'm sure we'd be perfectly satisfied to see Dean Barker's head on a pike and we could just leave it at that. However, it's always good to remember there are a few other things that matter even more...
1: Pizza. You can't eat a cup, whereas your average slice of pizza represents each of the major food groups. That's not scientifically proven or anything, but I like telling people it's true. Also, as opposed to a $100million America's Cup campaign, my nearest Dominos has large pizzas on special for $4.99 pick-up. Economically AND nutritionally, it's just a better option.
2: Bourbon. Yes, you can drink it from an Auld Mug if you have one, but we don't so move on. Swig it straight from the bottle if you need to, and right now, you probably need to.
3: The Local Body Elections.
...nah, just jokes.
4: The Ranfurly Shield. That's if you live in the Counties/Manukau area. On the other hand, if you live in Waikato, the shield doesn't matter at all. Twice.
5: Gaelic Football. I watched this for the first time at the gym the other day and it looked really fun. We know how to kick. We can pass. Not sure how good we are at bouncing, but I'm sure we'd get the hang of it. Can't be as tricky as "foiling upwind" surely.
6: The U.N. General Assembly. I don't really know what happens there, but with every powerful world leader together in one place, surely amazing things must be achieved every moment. It's not like it's just some meaningless talk fest, right? What's that? John Key's there too? There you go, I rest my case. Really, really, incredibly important.
I hated school. But now, as I understand it, we can choose one we like better than the one we'd usually go to around the corner. Although its teachers may not be qualified, if it offers some of this stuff, I'd be keen...
1: Wood Fired Pizzas at the Canteen. I think we've moved on from pies and lasagne toppers haven't we? Could we get a recommended wine choice in there too? Just to really civilise things.
2: No Detention. Surely there are better ways to discipline misguided students when they play silly pranks or make smart-arse remarks. Like just laughing it off for example.
3: Total Mr. Menzies Ban. Any school that refuses to hire Mr. Menzies has definitely got the right idea. Banning calculus altogether might be going too far, but I'd support that move also.
4: Sex. The stuff you ACTUALLY need to know. Things like; make sure you call her the next day. Always carry breath mints. Her orgasm is way more important than yours. That sort of thing.
5: Optional P.E. I understand there may be some kids out there who actually WANT to do P.E. I don't understand why, but I suppose they should be allowed to.
6: Jeans. If you're going to insist on a uniform, start with jeans. Given we'll spend the rest of our lives wearing them everywhere, why shouldn't we put them on for school?
We've been very preoccupied with San Francisco over the last few days, especially those of us directly involved with broadcasting a breakfast radio show by remote control. Interestingly though, there have actually been one or two (or six) stories about.
1: There Was Some Weather. It wasn't the end of the world, but some planes had to land back where they took off from and some cows didn't get milked. This prompted talk of a "Weather Bomb" hitting Auckland. It didn't. As usual.
2: ACC Cocked Up In Some Way. As usual. This particular case seemed to involve a lady who broke her neck. Not sure exactly what you DO have to break to get ACC to pay out, but I would have thought your neck was usually a safe bet.
3: Someone Won the Ranfurly Shield. Not sure who. This seems to be a very fluid situation that's still developing and is impossible to keep track of.
4: Syria Was All Sorted. Not.
5: Tana Umaga Got In Trouble for Grilling the Ref. But nobody did anything about it. Have you seen Tana Umaga? I wouldn't mess with him either. He can yell at me whenever he wants.
6: New Labour Leader Announced. Whoops, sorry, that hasn't quite happened yet but we all know it's going to be Cunliffe because even though everybody hates him, at least he's not gay or crazy.
Just when you thought the yachting couldn't get any more complicated, Oracle gets caught cheating on a boat that doesn't actually have anything to do with anything and all hell breaks loose. Over the last few days I've heard a lot of people try to explain the implications of the fine, suspensions and match penalties, but none of them really sound like they know what they're talking about. Neither do I, but here's what I think's going to happen...
1: Team New Zealand Wins 9 Races in a Row and Everyone Can Go Home. I think we can all agree, this is the preferable option.
2: Oracle Wins 11 Races in a Row and Everyone Can Go Home. Not AS preferable, but still quite a good option. Especially if you're Larry Ellison.
3: But Wait... What if Oracle wins 9 races and Team New Zealand win 7? Because Oracle started on minus 2, that'll mean it's 7 all and we've sailed 16 races. Isn't supposed to be the best of 17? So will it be the first to 8 instead of the first to 9? How's that headache coming?
4: Team New Zealand is Caught Cheating Too. Will it then be the first to minus 9? Will they have to sail the course backwards to make it back into positives?
5: In an Effort to Calculate the Permutations, PJ Montgomery Accidentally Discovers the Origins of the Universe... and calculates pi to 17 thousand decimal places.
6: Everyone Finally Gets Fed Up With What a Farce the Whole Thing Has Become and Goes Home Without any Cups, Boats, Foils or Code Zeroes. Whatever they are.
