Thursday 31 January 2013

6 TRANSPORT ALTERNATIVES FOR KIM DOTCOM

Just when we thought Kim DotCom couldn't do anything crazier, he almost crashes his helicopter weekend before last. I don't know about you, but I'd miss that wacky, cuddly German gazillionaire if he accidentally did himself in, so here are my suggestions for some safer ways to get about the place...


1: Segue. Weren't these supposed to be the transport of the future? Not sure what DotCom's sense of balance is like, but these have to be useful for something, surely.





2: Bubble. Admittedly, it would have to be quite a heavy-duty bubble, and floating around whichever way the wind blows isn't the fastest. Pretty though.





3: Rolling. Like a human snowball, couldn't we just get Kim up a hill, point him in the right direction and give him a shove? Slight risk of avalanche I suppose.





4: Zorb. (That big, inflatable ball thing) This is really just a more durable combination of options 2 and 3. He'll be pretty dizzy by the time I've finished with him, I can assure you.





5: Presidential motorcade. 9 or 10 vehicles should be enough. If anybody's got the cars for it, he has.






6: Virtual travel. Does the king of the internet have to ACTUALLY go places? Can't he just beam himself into an avatar? Maybe New Zealand broadband is too slow for that. No wonder he wants that second line into the country.

THE 6 SILLIEST THINGS I'LL REMEMBER ABOUT SIR PAUL

I know this is supposed to be a sad time, perhaps the one of the saddest times ever. But it was hard to stay sad around Paul for long. He made me laugh. Constantly. Here are just a few of the reasons why...

1: Mr Winkie. I'm no dog fan, but why, WHY would you choose something Chinese Crested - the breed repeatedly awarded the title of World's Ugliest Dog? God he loved that creature. (Known affectionately as "The Winklemeister")


2: Two Teabags, Not Much Milk. Oh, and leave the bags in. I'm sure other people take their tea that way. I just haven't met them.





3: Keira Knightly. He was weirdly obsessed with her. Something to do with her "spooky eyes." She's alright I s'pose. Definitely better looking than a Chinese Crested Terrier.




4: Aircraft. Any aircraft. Planes, helicopters, spaceships, large birds... heaven forbid any of those should appear on a TV screen while he was on air. He'd literally stop talking and just watch them take off. Or land. Or flap.



5: Osama bin Laden's Goat. The best, and perhaps most inappropriate sound effect ever.






6: Questions. Why ask a rhetorical question when it can be answered? By yourself. Classic Paul.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

6 LITTLE THINGS THAT MAKE LOUD NOISES

I may have mentioned this before, but because of my job, I have to get up at 3 o'clock. In the morning. (Yes, alright, I've mentioned it about 18,000 times) The challenge to getting up at 3 is trying to prevent anyone else in the house WAKING up at 3. Here's the noisy gauntlet I run each day...

1: Getting the Alarm Wrong. This is the worst possible scenario. If it doesn't go off, you're late and someone from work will probably text wondering where I am. That's never a quiet operation. I do have a backup alarm, but it's loud. My usual operation is a "Vibrate Only" option on my phone. This is subtle enough to ensure "minimal partner disturbance" but usually rouses me from my short slumber. Things turned dramatically sour recently when I was experimenting with a Samsung Galaxy S3... In my efforts to silence the phone, I accidentally enabled the speech notifications. This meant not only did loud, random music and sound effects play, but an English lady told me to wake up and go to work. Domestic Manager was not amused.

2: Dropping Things In the Bathroom. When you wake up in the middle of the night, fine motor skills take a while to kick in. This makes holding things like toothbrushes, razors and deodorant cans tricky. Lot's of hard surfaces. Great acoustics. Potential for disaster.

3: Forgetting Clothes. I usually hang my outfit on a hook on the bathroom door. If I forget to put my belt out, that's not a biggie. Undies on the other hand... that'll require some noisy rummaging in drawers. Heaven forbid I need to turn on a light. Better off just going commando.

4: Maroon Shoes. For some reason these squeak when I walk. Perhaps I should burn them.




5: Unforeseen Obstacles. I can't be expected to navigate my way through a darkened bedroom if people just go leaving slippers, ironing boards and paper shopping bags in my path. Honestly, some mornings it's like a blindfolded assault course.

6: Falling Down the Stairs. Damn our 3-storey house. So many steps. Such utter darkness. So much gravity. I just try not to groan too loudly when I land in the inevitable crumpled heap at the bottom.

Thursday 17 January 2013

6 SUCCESSFUL CAMPING COCKTAILS

Just because you may find yourself roughing it in the wilderness this summer, there's no excuse for being deprived of a little light refreshment. After all, we're not animals. But without a fully stocked liquor cabinet at your disposal, what's the best way to improvise?...

1: Pre-mixed Mojito. Spotted this last time I was on the way through duty-free. Looks like a bottle of Bacardi, but it's green. You just add ice, mint, soda and lots of fresh limes. NB: Make sure you steal a shopping bag full of limes from your mate's place while they're away. Nothing adds class to a camping cocktail like a slice of fresh lime.

2: Margarita In a Bucket. As pictured. Admittedly, this requires access to a freezer, but if you're doing the camping ground thing, that's no biggie. You literally just add a bottle of tequila and some water and bung it in the freezer. Make sure you bring a Vivid though. You'll need to name your bucket or risk someone else nicking off with your 20 servings of tequila-ry goodness.

3: Easy Mule. Pour some vodka into a bottle of ginger beer. Not particularly elegant, but damned effective. Especially if you're a generous pourer.




4: Champagne. This is all about the glasses. Obviously you can't take a set of crystal flutes camping, but make the effort to find those plastic ones that seem like they might be real glass. As opposed to the fluoro pink, green and orange ones with flashing LED lights in their bases.

5: Beer. With limes. Something South American would be best. Love limes. Stolen ones taste naughtier too.





6: Beer. Just beer. Sadly, even a shopping bag full of limes runs out eventually. Still, Peroni was on special so I still felt a bit exotic.

Thursday 10 January 2013

6 THINGS TO DO WHEN THE GREAT FLOOD COMES

Yes, this is another camping one. We've never stayed in a tent before so we weren't quite sure what to expect. Apparently, modern camping technology still hasn't really solved that whole "keep-the-rain-out" thing, as we discovered about 3:30 one morning when we experienced one of those charming Northland summer showers. As protector of my brood, my natural survival instincts kicked in the second I realised things weren't as water-tight as we'd hoped. Here's how I prevented us from drowning in our beds. (Well, lilos actually, but you know what I mean)

1: Torches. That was my job. Make sure we had enough torches. Before we left I had amassed a collection of all our torches and then covered myself with the great value 3-pack of LED lights from the Warehouse for $9.99. I then spent about $420 on batteries just to be safe. Good to be able see the water pouring into the tent as well as just hearing and feeling it.

2: Towels. Luckily, as there was no washing machine where we were staying (I know, rugged, eh?) the Domestic Manager had the foresight to pack every towel we own. This was handy for sopping up the pool of water developing by the door. And the one by my daughter's air bed. And the one by the Domestic Manager's air bed. And the one by the bag of towels.

3: Electricity. Okay, so there was no washing machine, but we're not barbarians. How's a bloke supposed to keep his Nokia Lumia charged without an extension cord and a 4-way adapter? I figured I better pack that up before it got too wet.

4: Closing the front door. Geez there are a lot of zips on tents. Obviously the insect bit was closed. And the bit that zips over that. But you know the bit that zips over the bit that zips over the insect bit? We had that bit out on poles as a sort of a verandah. It seemed like a good time to put that down.

5: Fairy lights. What do you mean, "What do you mean, fairy lights?" It was the holidays - just because it's a tent doesn't mean you can't keep things festive. I did begin to worry the fairy lights rubbing against the tent might be the cause of some of our leakage though, so I bit the bullet took them down too.

6: Raincoats. Glad we decided to bring a big bag of raincoats. Pity I'd left them outside in the car.

Saturday 5 January 2013

6 EXCITING TOPICS COMING TO A glennzb BLOG NEAR YOU

"Hey glennzb!" I keep hearing. "Where the hell have you been? It's like you disappeared off the face of the planet!" Actually, I haven't heard anyone saying anything like that, but I'm sure there are thousands of you out there thinking it. The point is, a guy has to take a holiday every now and then. This one was something a little different for me, so you'll forgive me if I'm a little obsessed in my upcoming blogs...


1: How I Became a Real Man On the Eve of New Year's Eve. This is an answer to that age-old mum-style question; "If your friends jumped off a bridge would you?" Read this one to find out what my answer was.




2: 6 Things To Do When the Great Flood Comes. Apparently some people go camping regularly - even voluntarily. Find out what to do when it rains and everything turns to shit in the middle of the night.




3: How I Became a Real Man On New Year's Eve... Morning. This will be an exciting read featuring detailed descriptions of near death experiences and topless calendars. I know, can't wait, right?




4: 6 Successful Camping Cocktails. It's amazing how much more successful the cocktails get as you work your way through them.





5: How I Became a Real Man the Day After New Year's Day. Just when you thought my manliness couldn't get any realler, I introduce questionable hygiene standards and extreme downhill mountain biking into the equation.



6: A Whole Bunch of First Phone Impressions. Okay, this wasn't really anything to do with my holiday, but I've been having a close look at a collection of whizzy smart phones, so I'll be bringing you a WHOLE NEW BLOG to tell you what I've found.