Thursday 17 October 2013

6 WORDS OF ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE SUPER MAYORS

Being mayor must be a difficult job. But this week's revelations about both Len Brown and John Banks show the job is even more complicated and demanding than most of us first thought. Therefore, I've come up with some helpful pointers for anyone considering running for office next time round...


1: Get Your Money Right. Small numbers like 15,000 and 25,000 may seem insignificant, especially when you're talking about mere dollars. However, make the effort to take note of pittances like these and find out where they came from. Rules are rules.


2: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married To. Look, I realise this can't be easy and if this week's talkback callers are to believed, none of us are perfect. In fact, I've heard the statement, "If they fired people for having affairs, we'd ALL be out of a job," made many times. I personally haven't managed to have an affair yet but I've only been married 17 years, so give me a chance.


3: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married to Over a Period of 2 Years. "We all make mistakes." - that's another thing I've heard quite a bit on the talkback. Something that happens repeatedly for many months isn't a mistake. It's a routine.

4: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married to at Work. Unless you're a hooker. But we're not talking about hookers. We're talking about mayors. Don't get confused.



5: Don't Slap Yourself in the Head. Actually, there's nothing wrong with slapping yourself in the head, just try not to do it in public, on national television. It makes you look... what's the word?... Insane?




6: Avoid People with Odd Names. Girls called Bevan and guys called DotCom are nothing but trouble. Stick to sensible names like Bill, Monica and Weiner.

Wednesday 9 October 2013

6 OTHER THINGS SBW COULD HAVE DONE

Sonny Bill Williams claims he was too focused on the NRL Grand Final to make himself available for the Kiwis, but now he has, and now they want him. I wonder if there are other opportunities he passed up just because he was to damned focused at the time...

1: U.N. Weapons Inspector. I can't speak for Bashar Al-Assad, but I know if I'd been hiding my chemical weapons from a bunch of nerdy scientists and suddenly SBW turned up demanding I hand them over, I'd probably hand them over. There'd be no religious awkwardness either. Perfect.

2: Lawn Mowing Contractor. With guns like those, he'd have Auckland's berms tidied up in no time.




3: Wing Attack. The Silver Ferns really need to get this sorted. Apparently.






4: Grand Inquisitor on High. This is a new position, above the Supreme Court now the Privy Council isn't an option. I imagine Sonny Bill sitting on some kind of throne, wearing some kind of ceremonial robes, wielding some kind of lethal-looking sceptre. You'd present your appeal to him and he'd just say, "Yup" or "Nup." Things would go pretty badly for you if the answer was, "Nup" though.

5: Kiwi Curator at Wellington Zoo. Seriously, what are these guys doing down there? Stop feeding them poisoned bark. It's not that complicated. I'm pretty sure even Sonny Bill could get that right. Especially now he's definitely decided he wants to be a Kiwi himself.

6: U.S. Government Fixer. Many experts have claimed SBW really brings a team together on the field. If he could apply that talent to Capitol Hill and bring Obama and the Republican Party together, he really would be worth every penny.

Thursday 3 October 2013

6 OTHER THINGS THEY SHOULD BAN AT THE MOVIES

This week I was surprised to hear Hoyts announcing their new hard line on moviegoers using cellphones in their cinemas. I was surprised because I thought they were ALREADY banned. Here's some other stuff they should knock on the head while they're at it...


1: KFC. Yes, I was once at the movies when a couple brought in several BAGS of KFC and proceeded to scoff the lot during the film. This was annoying because a) the plastic bags were noisy, b) it stunk the whole place out and c) they didn't share any with me.

2: Pizza. My local cinema has a deal that allows you to have pizza delivered to your seat during the movie. Pizza also stinks, and having someone push their way along the row to hand it to you makes this the dumbest idea ever. Unless it's being handed to ME. Then it's genius.

3: Kids. I'm not a fan of these anywhere, let alone in my movie theatre. I once told a bunch of them to sit down and shut up or I'd rip their heads off and throw up down their necks. That seemed to do the trick. Really impressed my date too.



4: Sandra Bullock. Can't stand her. Well, she was good in 28 Days, but I suppose anyone can fluke it once in a while.






5: Fire Alarms. If there really IS a fire, and it really IS about to burn down the cinema I'm actually in, perhaps we could arrange a subdued soft flashing light over the exit doors so we can make our way quietly and calmly into the street. To evacuate the entire complex and delay the movie by an hour and a half while the fire department arrives and gives the all clear, all just because the popcorn machine has malfunctioned is not okay.

6: Romantic Comedies. These should all go straight to DVD. Big screens are strictly for car chases, explosions and space ships. Not deep and meaningful conversations in extreme close-up.