Thursday, 17 October 2013


Being mayor must be a difficult job. But this week's revelations about both Len Brown and John Banks show the job is even more complicated and demanding than most of us first thought. Therefore, I've come up with some helpful pointers for anyone considering running for office next time round...

1: Get Your Money Right. Small numbers like 15,000 and 25,000 may seem insignificant, especially when you're talking about mere dollars. However, make the effort to take note of pittances like these and find out where they came from. Rules are rules.

2: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married To. Look, I realise this can't be easy and if this week's talkback callers are to believed, none of us are perfect. In fact, I've heard the statement, "If they fired people for having affairs, we'd ALL be out of a job," made many times. I personally haven't managed to have an affair yet but I've only been married 17 years, so give me a chance.

3: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married to Over a Period of 2 Years. "We all make mistakes." - that's another thing I've heard quite a bit on the talkback. Something that happens repeatedly for many months isn't a mistake. It's a routine.

4: Try Not to Have Sex with People You Aren't Married to at Work. Unless you're a hooker. But we're not talking about hookers. We're talking about mayors. Don't get confused.

5: Don't Slap Yourself in the Head. Actually, there's nothing wrong with slapping yourself in the head, just try not to do it in public, on national television. It makes you look... what's the word?... Insane?

6: Avoid People with Odd Names. Girls called Bevan and guys called DotCom are nothing but trouble. Stick to sensible names like Bill, Monica and Weiner.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013


Sonny Bill Williams claims he was too focused on the NRL Grand Final to make himself available for the Kiwis, but now he has, and now they want him. I wonder if there are other opportunities he passed up just because he was to damned focused at the time...

1: U.N. Weapons Inspector. I can't speak for Bashar Al-Assad, but I know if I'd been hiding my chemical weapons from a bunch of nerdy scientists and suddenly SBW turned up demanding I hand them over, I'd probably hand them over. There'd be no religious awkwardness either. Perfect.

2: Lawn Mowing Contractor. With guns like those, he'd have Auckland's berms tidied up in no time.

3: Wing Attack. The Silver Ferns really need to get this sorted. Apparently.

4: Grand Inquisitor on High. This is a new position, above the Supreme Court now the Privy Council isn't an option. I imagine Sonny Bill sitting on some kind of throne, wearing some kind of ceremonial robes, wielding some kind of lethal-looking sceptre. You'd present your appeal to him and he'd just say, "Yup" or "Nup." Things would go pretty badly for you if the answer was, "Nup" though.

5: Kiwi Curator at Wellington Zoo. Seriously, what are these guys doing down there? Stop feeding them poisoned bark. It's not that complicated. I'm pretty sure even Sonny Bill could get that right. Especially now he's definitely decided he wants to be a Kiwi himself.

6: U.S. Government Fixer. Many experts have claimed SBW really brings a team together on the field. If he could apply that talent to Capitol Hill and bring Obama and the Republican Party together, he really would be worth every penny.

Thursday, 3 October 2013


This week I was surprised to hear Hoyts announcing their new hard line on moviegoers using cellphones in their cinemas. I was surprised because I thought they were ALREADY banned. Here's some other stuff they should knock on the head while they're at it...

1: KFC. Yes, I was once at the movies when a couple brought in several BAGS of KFC and proceeded to scoff the lot during the film. This was annoying because a) the plastic bags were noisy, b) it stunk the whole place out and c) they didn't share any with me.

2: Pizza. My local cinema has a deal that allows you to have pizza delivered to your seat during the movie. Pizza also stinks, and having someone push their way along the row to hand it to you makes this the dumbest idea ever. Unless it's being handed to ME. Then it's genius.

3: Kids. I'm not a fan of these anywhere, let alone in my movie theatre. I once told a bunch of them to sit down and shut up or I'd rip their heads off and throw up down their necks. That seemed to do the trick. Really impressed my date too.

4: Sandra Bullock. Can't stand her. Well, she was good in 28 Days, but I suppose anyone can fluke it once in a while.

5: Fire Alarms. If there really IS a fire, and it really IS about to burn down the cinema I'm actually in, perhaps we could arrange a subdued soft flashing light over the exit doors so we can make our way quietly and calmly into the street. To evacuate the entire complex and delay the movie by an hour and a half while the fire department arrives and gives the all clear, all just because the popcorn machine has malfunctioned is not okay.

6: Romantic Comedies. These should all go straight to DVD. Big screens are strictly for car chases, explosions and space ships. Not deep and meaningful conversations in extreme close-up.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013


It's been encouraging to see the balanced reaction the New Zealand sporting public has had to Emirates Team New Zealand's inexplicable inability to win one more stupid race after winning eight so easily. So glad we, as a nation, are more than capable of keeping these things in perspective. I'm sure we'd be perfectly satisfied to see Dean Barker's head on a pike and we could just leave it at that. However, it's always good to remember there are a few other things that matter even more...

1: Pizza. You can't eat a cup, whereas your average slice of pizza represents each of the major food groups. That's not scientifically proven or anything, but I like telling people it's true. Also, as opposed to a $100million America's Cup campaign, my nearest Dominos has large pizzas on special for $4.99 pick-up. Economically AND nutritionally, it's just a better option.

2: Bourbon. Yes, you can drink it from an Auld Mug if you have one, but we don't so move on. Swig it straight from the bottle if you need to, and right now, you probably need to.

3: The Local Body Elections. 

...nah, just jokes.

4: The Ranfurly Shield. That's if you live in the Counties/Manukau area. On the other hand, if you live in Waikato, the shield doesn't matter at all. Twice.

5: Gaelic Football. I watched this for the first time at the gym the other day and it looked really fun. We know how to kick. We can pass. Not sure how good we are at bouncing, but I'm sure we'd get the hang of it. Can't be as tricky as "foiling upwind" surely.

6: The U.N. General Assembly. I don't really know what happens there, but with every powerful world leader together in one place, surely amazing things must be achieved every moment. It's not like it's just some meaningless talk fest, right? What's that? John Key's there too? There you go, I rest my case. Really, really, incredibly important.

Thursday, 19 September 2013


I hated school. But now, as I understand it, we can choose one we like better than the one we'd usually go to around the corner. Although its teachers may not be qualified, if it offers some of this stuff, I'd be keen...

1: Wood Fired Pizzas at the Canteen. I think we've moved on from pies and lasagne toppers haven't we? Could we get a recommended wine choice in there too? Just to really civilise things.

2: No Detention. Surely there are better ways to discipline misguided students when they play silly pranks or make smart-arse remarks. Like just laughing it off for example.

3: Total Mr. Menzies Ban. Any school that refuses to hire Mr. Menzies has definitely got the right idea. Banning calculus altogether might be going too far, but I'd support that move also.

4: Sex. The stuff you ACTUALLY need to know. Things like; make sure you call her the next day. Always carry breath mints. Her orgasm is way more important than yours. That sort of thing.

5: Optional P.E. I understand there may be some kids out there who actually WANT to do P.E. I don't understand why, but I suppose they should be allowed to.

6: Jeans. If you're going to insist on a uniform, start with jeans. Given we'll spend the rest of our lives wearing them everywhere, why shouldn't we put them on for school?

Thursday, 12 September 2013


We've been very preoccupied with San Francisco over the last few days, especially those of us directly involved with broadcasting a breakfast radio show by remote control. Interestingly though, there have actually been one or two (or six) stories about.

1: There Was Some Weather. It wasn't the end of the world, but some planes had to land back where they took off from and some cows didn't get milked. This prompted talk of a "Weather Bomb" hitting Auckland. It didn't. As usual.

2: ACC Cocked Up In Some Way. As usual. This particular case seemed to involve a lady who broke her neck. Not sure exactly what you DO have to break to get ACC to pay out, but I would have thought your neck was usually a safe bet.

3: Someone Won the Ranfurly Shield. Not sure who. This seems to be a very fluid situation that's still developing and is impossible to keep track of.

4: Syria Was All Sorted. Not.

5: Tana Umaga Got In Trouble for Grilling the Ref. But nobody did anything about it. Have you seen Tana Umaga? I wouldn't mess with him either. He can yell at me whenever he wants.

6: New Labour Leader Announced. Whoops, sorry, that hasn't quite happened yet but we all know it's going to be Cunliffe because even though everybody hates him, at least he's not gay or crazy.

Thursday, 5 September 2013


Just when you thought the yachting couldn't get any more complicated, Oracle gets caught cheating on a boat that doesn't actually have anything to do with anything and all hell breaks loose. Over the last few days I've heard a lot of people try to explain the implications of the fine, suspensions and match penalties, but none of them really sound like they know what they're talking about. Neither do I, but here's what I think's going to happen...

1: Team New Zealand Wins 9 Races in a Row and Everyone Can Go Home. I think we can all agree, this is the preferable option.

2: Oracle Wins 11 Races in a Row and Everyone Can Go Home. Not AS preferable, but still quite a good option. Especially if you're Larry Ellison.

3: But Wait... What if Oracle wins 9 races and Team New Zealand win 7? Because Oracle started on minus 2, that'll mean it's 7 all and we've sailed 16 races. Isn't supposed to be the best of 17? So will it be the first to 8 instead of the first to 9? How's that headache coming?

4: Team New Zealand is Caught Cheating Too. Will it then be the first to minus 9? Will they have to sail the course backwards to make it back into positives?

5: In an Effort to Calculate the Permutations, PJ Montgomery Accidentally Discovers the Origins of the Universe... and calculates pi to 17 thousand decimal places.

6: Everyone Finally Gets Fed Up With What a Farce the Whole Thing Has Become and Goes Home Without any Cups, Boats, Foils or Code Zeroes. Whatever they are.