6 THINGS I WORRY ABOUT WHILE WAITING FOR MY TAXI

Unfortunately, when one dislocates one's shoulder doing something stupid, one still needs to get to one's place of work, even though one has been forbidden to drive by one's crack squad of medical specialists. This means although one has become a regular taxi passenger, there are certain things one can never predict...

QUESTION 1: Will my driver be male or female? ANSWER: Actually, this is completely predictable. He'll be a bloke. I don't ever remember ever even SEEING a woman taxi driver, except on the TV show "Taxi" obviously. Still, I live in hope it'll be Marilu Henner who'll turn up in my driveway at 3:30 one morning. Is her hair still red, even at 60?

QUESTION 2: Will my driver speak English? 
ANSWER: You may be surprised to know, most of the drivers I've come across so far are not actually that good at English. You may also be surprised to know, I much prefer it this way. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's making inane conversation about things I don't care about with someone I don't know. Take note hairdressers, massage therapists, telemarketers...

QUESTION 3: What will it smell like? 
ANSWER: I don't necessarily mean the driver here, although it's amazing how much HIS personal aroma can affect that of the entire taxi. Guys, can we just ease up on the garlic and onions a little? Although, at the risk of sounding finickity, you might also want to dial back the hang-off-the-mirror, clip-on-the-air-vent, plug-in-the-lighter air fresheners. To me, they all smell of impending car-sickness.

QUESTION 4: How dusty will it be? 
ANSWERS: Either not dusty at all (if the taxi is a nice new Prius) or incredibly dusty. Why is this? Where does all this dust come from? Disturbingly, in the back of my mind I know where all this dust comes from; it's mostly dead skin cells and dried mite faeces. And in some taxis, it's everywhere. Ick.

QUESTION 5: How many weird gadgets will there be? ANSWER: Heaps. Obviously any taxi has a lot of weird gadgets anyway... CB radio, the thing that keeps track of the fare, EftPos machine etc... but I swear these guys are all electronics geeks in their spare time. Radar detectors, the aforementioned air-fresheners, a vast array of hands-free devices and finally, the obligatory cell-phone, complete with Bollywood-style sitar-based ringtone.

QUESTION 6: What will I be forced to listen to? ANSWER: Could be anything. So far I've had talkback (obviously), Classic Hits (although, not quite on the station and with loud interference from all his gadgets), a lecture about why the transmission keeps slipping and a Dire Straits CD turned up real loud (I believe it was "On Every Street" - not a bad album, although annoyingly, he kept skipping to the next track). One guy even offered to let me plug my phone into his stereo so I could listen to my own stuff. Now THAT's what I call service.