Wednesday 28 August 2013

6 WAYS TO STOP TOILET VANDALISM

In an effort to combat vandalism, the Dux Live venue in Christchurch has introduced cameras in the urinal area of their men's toilets, even posting pictures of a couple of “offenders” on their Facebook page. This seems a bit extreme, given there are other ways of preventing this kind of antisocial behavior...

1: Little Guillotines. They'd be automatically triggered by the sound of spray can caps or marker pen lids being removed.



2: Pictures of People's Mums Waggling their Fingers at You. You just can't resist that kind of emotional blackmail.



3: Actual Mums Waggling their Fingers at You. Admittedly, this could have an uncomfortable effect on those with bashful bladders, but at least people would be more inclined to use the toilet brushes.

4: Asparagus Rolls. You know, served as a bar snack. Nobody wants to hang around in a bathroom with that pong in the air.



5: More Mirrors. Who wants to draw all over their own face?




6: Kim DotCom. This is actually part of a desperate effort on my part to include him in every Silly Six-Pack wherever possible. In this case, I'm using him to bring back the traditional concept of having to ask for a key for the loo if you want to use it. In these scenarios, the key is usually attached to something big and heavy to prevent theft. Thanks for your help, Kim.

Thursday 22 August 2013

6 POSSIBLE LABOUR LEADERS

The first time I met David Shearer, he left his cell phone in my studio in case it rang while he was on air with Hosking. It appeared to be held together with sticky-tape. Oh sure, we exchanged polite jokes about what happens to mobiles in war zones, but I'm sorry; I can't respect a man who doesn't respect his handset. Obviously his caucus felt the same way and took the only course of action possible. But now who will fill the void?...

1: Kim DotCom. He's certainly landed more hits on John Key than Shearer ever did. (I actually only suggested DotCom as a joke of course. Disturbingly, as I write this, I'm listening to serious talkback also discussing his merits as a possible leader. It's been going for about half an hour now. Oh god)

2: Dave Rennie. If he can lead the Chiefs to take out 2 consecutive Super 15 championships when nobody gave them a snowball's chance, victory in a mere national election should be child's play.

3: Geoff Thomas and Matt Watson. (Co-Leaders) If we've learned anything this week, it's never take a fish to parliament. I'm pretty sure these two guys would have known that.


4: Leighton Smith. He always seems to know what Labour should be doing.

5: Peter Dunne. Look how well he led, even when he didn't know where his whole party went. Imagine what he could do with some actual members.

6: But the winner is...



Wait for it...



Wait for it...



No, wait a bit longer for it...



Wait just a bit more...



Dominic Bowden.

Friday 16 August 2013

6 THINGS I WISH I'D SLEPT THROUGH

Whether or not you believe someone can drive (and text) for hundreds of kilometres while fast asleep, it's a cool idea. I would if I could; there's nothing more boring than a long drive... or is there?


1: My Entire School Career. God I hated school. Now I think of it, there were definitely some classes during which I may have "rested my eyes" for a moment.


2: The Entire Series of NZ X-Factor. Can we stop pretending now? It was bad. Really bad.




3: All the Rugby World Cups We Didn't Win. I'd really like to just pretend we DID win them, so if I'd slept through them, it'll be much easier to convince myself things like 1999 and 2003 were all just a bad dream.


4: Winter. Come on, if bears can give it a miss, why can't we?




5: Vegetables. Do you still taste gross stuff if you eat it in your sleep? Wake me when the cheese board arrives.



6: Hangovers. In fact, shall we skip Sundays altogether, just to be safe?

Thursday 8 August 2013

6 REPLACEMENTS FOR 100% PURE

It's pretty safe to say, after our biggest company tried to give babies botulism, we probably can't keep claiming we're 100% Pure. This week, I posed a couple of alternatives; "Still Reasonably Pure" and "Purer than Some Others"... but so far neither suggestion has really caught on. Possibly because there's no such word as "Purer." So let's try out a few others...

1: Not Chernobyl, Fukushima or Three Mile Island. See? Could be a lot worse.






2: 100% Hobbit. Okay, not strictly accurate, but possibly more accurate than the pure thing.





3: Your Relaxation Destination. If we're this relaxed about food safety, imagine how relaxing a WHOLE HOLIDAY would be!





4: 456 Days Since Our Last Botulism Contamination and Counting. You can't argue with the stats.





5: Supervision Provided. Not just of your kids in the pool - we'll be watching everyone, everywhere. Thanks, GCSB.





6: It Was Just One Little Pipe in Hautapu for God's Sake! ...a bit confrontational? Perhaps.