6 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT EASTER

All holidays are great. Easter may be the greatest of all. Here's why...

1: Mondayisation. This holiday is SO Mondayised, they even call one of the days Easter Monday. That's how we do it, government. And this is an old school holiday too - it must've been around for a couple of thousand years or so.

2: Fridayisation. I think this is also something to be encouraged. Why have one day off when you can have TWO? Waitangi Day, you're looking more and more ridiculous every second.

3: Foil Easter Egg Wrappers. Don't you just love meticulously smoothing these out and then gluing them in a special scrapbook? Oh come on! I can't be the only one who did this as a kid can I? Can I?

4: Surprise Dates. What could be more fun than a public holiday that nobody can predict WHEN it will actually happen every year? Crazy.

5: Traffic. Going away for long weekends is really the only time I get to drive the Domestic Manager's car. It's awesome, so if I have to spend hours in a bumper-to-bumper queue trying to escape the city, no biggie. I'm just enjoying the atmos.

6: Exercise. What a great opportunity to really crack into my autumn workout regime. Right? Either that, or I could spend 4 days eating and drinking too much. Hmmm... Tough decision.

6 THINGS THAT ARE EASIER TO FORGET THAN $50k

Strange week for Labour leader David Shearer, apparently "forgetting" an account containing $50,000. You can forget anything I suppose, but not many of us can overlook a balance like that. We're too busy forgetting stuff like this...

1: Anniversaries and Birthdays. I'm pretty sure this is compulsory for husbands, boyfriends and men generally world-wide. Geez we're useless. Why do you bother?

2: Your Children. So many sports practices, music rehearsals, play-dates and sleepovers - you're bound to get it wrong sometimes. That's why god invented cellphones; so we can all find each other.

3: Car Keys and Sunglasses. Yes, I know you're SUPPOSED to put them back in the same place every time, but sometimes you just DON'T, okay???

4: Where You Parked Your Car. This is not the same thing as forgetting you HAVE a car. I wonder if Shearer's ever forgotten he HAS a car? Quite possibly.

5: Leaving the Oven or Iron On. You haven't... Unless you don't waste precious time going back to check, then you probably have and your house has burned down. Shame.

6: Putting the Rubbish Out. I forgot this this week. Now our bin is still full and I've got nowhere to put the next 7 days' refuse. Bugger. Nothing makes you feel more like a bad husband and neglectful father than forgetting to put the rubbish out. Still, if I could suddenly remember a bank account with heaps of money in it, that'd probably make me feel a bit better.

6 THINGS THEY SHOULD TAX BEFORE CAR PARKS

By now, pretty much everybody seems to have agreed imposing some kind of fringe benefit tax on Auckland and Wellington businesses for their car parks is a stupid idea. But there are some other things we should look at, if for no other reason, to discourage people from using them...

1: H.S.T. (Harlem Shake Tax) I think we're all over these videos now, aren't we? It's only fair if someone still thinks they can make one that'll be funny, they should pay for the right. Perhaps there could be a rebate if it actually IS funny, which it won't be. (This tax will also cover any Gangnam Style parodies still out there as well)

2: C.A.T. (Current Affairs Tax) Between Seven Sharp, the 3rd Degree, Q & A, the Nation... there are just too many of these shows. We could use the income from this tax to make proper TV shows with spaceships and explosions and car chases.

3: I.L.T. (Inappropriate Lycra Tax) Sweaty cyclists who think it's acceptable to sit at the table next to me at my favourite cafe need to pay more, obviously.

4: P.V.T. (PXT Video Tax) Please stop filming EVERY DAMN THING with your smart phone. You're there, you're actually watching it. You don't need to watch it through a tiny screen as well.

5: F.H.T. (False Hope Tax) I'm invoicing both the Black Caps and the Warriors for this. If you're going to be useless, be consistently useless. Stop teasing us with the occasional amazing performance and stick to what you do best; under performing. Woefully.

6: G.W.O.T.T. (Governmental Waste of Time Tax) This is where we finally get something back. Asset sales arguments, Novopay, stupid car park taxes - they need to pay US for every minute of our lives they've been carelessly frittering away. We'll never get that time back, they owe us.

6 WAYS TO AVOID SINKHOLES

Since a man and his bedroom disappeared down a Florida sinkhole last weekend, obviously we've all been concerned about how we can avoid the same thing happening to us. If you've been watching 11ish this week, you may have already heard some of my suggestions, but for a matter of public safety like this, I think they're worth repeating...

1: Sleep Spreadeagled. Basically, the more body surface you can create, the less likely you are to fit down a hole. This could be a problem if your partner insists on half the bed for themselves.

2: Chain Yourself to Something. Just use whatever chains/ropes/handcuffs you already have handy in the bedroom, but preferably attach them to something OUTSIDE the bedroom.

3: Don't Sleep. This is a pretty obvious one, but let me spell it out for you; if you don't want to be sucked into a sinkhole in your sleep, don't sleep. Admittedly, this will not prevent you being sucked into a sinkhole fully conscious.

4: Helium Balloons. This is a bit fiddly, but pretty effective. Attach helium balloons to various bits of yourself - wrists, knees, ankles, neck, elbows - that way, even if the whole house sinks, you won't. I hear weightless sleeping is pretty good for the back too.

5: Sleep In a Different Place Every Night. The sinkhole can't get you if it can't find you.

6: Move to a Mine or a Cave. Presumably if you're already down a hole, you can't then fall down a hole.

6 THINGS TO DO ON MARS

Millionaire space tourist, Dennis Tito has announced plans to get to Mars in 2018. You remember this guy - he paid the Russians for the opportunity to throw up in orbit. So if Mars IS the new hot holiday destination, what are the must-do activities once you get there?...

1: Breathing. Given the red planet's atmosphere is about 1% as thick as ours, this can be quite a challenge, but it's really quite rewarding if you get the chance.

2: Roving. Everyone's doing it, isn't it time you found out what all the fuss is about?

3: Photo Opportunities. Oh, sure some people have described the Martian surface as a neverending desolate expanse of featureless wasteland, but it hasn't stopped previous visitors sending back thousands of high-def pics. Presumably you can still upload to Dropbox from there.

4: Hit the Slopes. Admittedly, due to an unprecedented spell of dry weather, there's not a lot of moisture around for actual snow which is a shame, as it's certainly cold enough with nighttime temperatures dropping as low as -70. But there ARE quite a few mountains, including the Solar System's tallest, Olympus Mons. Great view from 27 KILOMETRES UP... of not much. No chairlifts though, so it's a bit of a hike.

5: Lose Weight. That's right, this is one holiday guaranteed to help you SHED the pounds instead of stacking them on, mostly due to the gravity being just over a third of what we have to cope with on Earth. Now you can go crazy at the buffet, without the guilt.

6: Plan Your Invasion. Ever wanted shoot stuff with lasers, snatch some bodies and be taken to Earth's leaders? Mars is perfect launching spot, just ask the locals.

MY 6 FAVOURITE TALKBACK CLICHES

When you work in talk radio, it doesn't take long to pick up on a few tried and true chestnuts many callers seem obliged to repeat. Take note, if you want to sound like a pro, these are the old standards...

 1: "First time caller, long time listener." So how do you know how to say that then?

2: "I'm not racist, but..." This always, ALWAYS means what you are about to say is really, really racist.

3: "Some of my best friends are gay." Even if this is true, (and it probably isn't) it won't be true once that caller's alleged gay friends hear whatever comes next. It's likely to be something so blatantly homophobic, it'll take their fabulous breath away.

4: "What are we talking about tonight?" Yes, that's right. Some of a callers are so talented, they can voice a considered opinion about anything - even if they've only heard what it is once the host puts them to air. Kudos.

5: "But that's not what I rang about." In spite of the fact they've just been talking about something for 10 minutes without pausing for breath, they weren't yet talking about what they rang to talk about. Impressive.

6: "Snoring." This is usually a midnight to dawn thing. Usually it's the callers who fall asleep on air, sometimes the host. That always makes for riveting radio.

6 PRIME PROSPECTS FOR POPE

Within minutes of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, catholic social media was abuzz with predictions of who the new pontiff might be. Here are a few of my own...

1: Sonny Bill Williams. He just needs to confirm if it was 10 or 12 commandments first.

2: John Key. He loves being in charge of things. And he's not nearly as Jewish as he used to be.

3: Lady Gaga. If anybody knows how to wear an over-the-top frock and a crazy hat, she does.

4: Psy. If nothing else, Gangnam Style proved he can turn a song with lyrics nobody understands into a massive world-wide hit. One or two wacky dance moves could really liven things up at mass too.

5: Lance Armstrong. When it comes to denying obvious truths everyone figured out years ago, he's your man. Not sure how confidential he'd keep your confession though.

6: Winston Peters. No-one has more experience dealing with the embarrassing antics of his underlings than he has.