6 THINGS I'LL MISS ABOUT SUMMER

Turns out that "Endless Summer" we were having had an end after all. Bugger.

1: The Not Raining. Lulled into a false sense of dry security, I recently bought my first ever pair of suede shoes. I should have known I'd only get to wear them once.

2: Tossing and Turning. Yes, it's true hot nights can prevent a good night's sleep, as you lie awake worrying about things that aren't actually problems. The cool thing about that is in the morning, you realise they're not really problems. Saves wasting time and energy solving the problems.

3: Getting Washing Dry. Admit it, we all have favourite knickers, second-favourite knickers and then the knickers we'd rather not wear if we can possibly avoid it. Sadly, once the washing pile starts stacking up, it's time to don those ugly undies.

4: Abstaining From Gardening. No point watering things that are dead. No need to weed weeds that haven't grown. Can't mow a lawn that's turned to dust. What a shame.

5: Electing Not to Go to the Beach. Just because I LIVE at the beach, doesn't mean I have to GO to the beach. When you're having an endless summer, you can just go to the beach tomorrow, right? DAMN IT!

6: Not having to clean my glasses EVERY BLOODY SECOND because they've just been rained on. I'll see you next summer. I mean that literally; I won't be able to see you properly until it stops raining.

6 THINGS THE GCSB GOT WRONG

Oh, I know there's an OFFICIAL report into what's been going on at the GCSB, but any fool can spot a cover-up when they see one. Here's the REAL truth... if you can handle it...

1: The Name. GCSB sounds like a bank. How are you supposed to know you're being spied on if the suspicious van parked outside your house is marked "GCSB?" They should have gone with something like the New Zealand Spy Agency. Or maybe Spies R Us.

2: Didn't Keep Things Secret Enough. Did they miss the "This-message-will-self-destruct-in-60-seconds" lessons at spy school? How the hell is there a whole report on how useless they are?

3: Classified. I'd like to tell you what Number 3 is, but for reasons of national security, I can't.

4: Hiring Your Mate To Run It. This was never going to end well. What if, for some reason, he has to spy on YOU? See how these things can get complicated? Best to appoint somebody you already hate.

5: Putting John Key In Charge. I could be wrong, but I get the impression if anybody would enjoy overseeing a spy agency a little TOO much, it'd be Key-Diddle. I wonder if he makes them call him "K".

6: Kim DotCom. Be honest, who'd ever even HEARD of the GCSB until they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? Now I think of it, who'd ever even heard of KIM DOTCOM before they'd completely cocked up the raid on Kim DotCom? It was the best publicity either of them ever got.

6 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU'RE WAITING FOR THE INTERNET

Somehow this month, yet again, we ran out of broadband. We have a plan which allows us quite a bit of broadband, but it turns out there are only so many YouTube videos about how to play Minecraft you can watch before your 50gb are gone and you're back down to dial-up speed. So now that my Facebook page takes approximately 830 times longer to load, (that's if it does) what to do in the meantime?

1: Complete Your Memoirs. Ah, the stories I could tell. Like that time I grew mysteriously older because my internet was working so slowly.

2: Write that Opera. Doesn't have to be classical - maybe just something light for Broadway or the West End.

3: Read the Collected Works of J.K. Rowling. Well, not that last one, obviously. Everybody says that was rubbish. Just stick to the Harry Potters. How long could it take?

4: Learn an Instrument. Apparently the harp is quite complicated, but I reckon once you figure out how to balance it on that skinny bit at the bottom, everything else will just fall into place.

5: Cure Cancer. Admittedly, researching this without high-speed internet access is going to be challenging, but nothing worth doing ever came easy.

6: Discover the Meaning of Life. I'm pretty sure this has something to do with keeping a closer eye on your broadband usage so you never run out EVER AGAIN!

6 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT EASTER

All holidays are great. Easter may be the greatest of all. Here's why...

1: Mondayisation. This holiday is SO Mondayised, they even call one of the days Easter Monday. That's how we do it, government. And this is an old school holiday too - it must've been around for a couple of thousand years or so.

2: Fridayisation. I think this is also something to be encouraged. Why have one day off when you can have TWO? Waitangi Day, you're looking more and more ridiculous every second.

3: Foil Easter Egg Wrappers. Don't you just love meticulously smoothing these out and then gluing them in a special scrapbook? Oh come on! I can't be the only one who did this as a kid can I? Can I?

4: Surprise Dates. What could be more fun than a public holiday that nobody can predict WHEN it will actually happen every year? Crazy.

5: Traffic. Going away for long weekends is really the only time I get to drive the Domestic Manager's car. It's awesome, so if I have to spend hours in a bumper-to-bumper queue trying to escape the city, no biggie. I'm just enjoying the atmos.

6: Exercise. What a great opportunity to really crack into my autumn workout regime. Right? Either that, or I could spend 4 days eating and drinking too much. Hmmm... Tough decision.

6 THINGS THAT ARE EASIER TO FORGET THAN $50k

Strange week for Labour leader David Shearer, apparently "forgetting" an account containing $50,000. You can forget anything I suppose, but not many of us can overlook a balance like that. We're too busy forgetting stuff like this...

1: Anniversaries and Birthdays. I'm pretty sure this is compulsory for husbands, boyfriends and men generally world-wide. Geez we're useless. Why do you bother?

2: Your Children. So many sports practices, music rehearsals, play-dates and sleepovers - you're bound to get it wrong sometimes. That's why god invented cellphones; so we can all find each other.

3: Car Keys and Sunglasses. Yes, I know you're SUPPOSED to put them back in the same place every time, but sometimes you just DON'T, okay???

4: Where You Parked Your Car. This is not the same thing as forgetting you HAVE a car. I wonder if Shearer's ever forgotten he HAS a car? Quite possibly.

5: Leaving the Oven or Iron On. You haven't... Unless you don't waste precious time going back to check, then you probably have and your house has burned down. Shame.

6: Putting the Rubbish Out. I forgot this this week. Now our bin is still full and I've got nowhere to put the next 7 days' refuse. Bugger. Nothing makes you feel more like a bad husband and neglectful father than forgetting to put the rubbish out. Still, if I could suddenly remember a bank account with heaps of money in it, that'd probably make me feel a bit better.

6 THINGS THEY SHOULD TAX BEFORE CAR PARKS

By now, pretty much everybody seems to have agreed imposing some kind of fringe benefit tax on Auckland and Wellington businesses for their car parks is a stupid idea. But there are some other things we should look at, if for no other reason, to discourage people from using them...

1: H.S.T. (Harlem Shake Tax) I think we're all over these videos now, aren't we? It's only fair if someone still thinks they can make one that'll be funny, they should pay for the right. Perhaps there could be a rebate if it actually IS funny, which it won't be. (This tax will also cover any Gangnam Style parodies still out there as well)

2: C.A.T. (Current Affairs Tax) Between Seven Sharp, the 3rd Degree, Q & A, the Nation... there are just too many of these shows. We could use the income from this tax to make proper TV shows with spaceships and explosions and car chases.

3: I.L.T. (Inappropriate Lycra Tax) Sweaty cyclists who think it's acceptable to sit at the table next to me at my favourite cafe need to pay more, obviously.

4: P.V.T. (PXT Video Tax) Please stop filming EVERY DAMN THING with your smart phone. You're there, you're actually watching it. You don't need to watch it through a tiny screen as well.

5: F.H.T. (False Hope Tax) I'm invoicing both the Black Caps and the Warriors for this. If you're going to be useless, be consistently useless. Stop teasing us with the occasional amazing performance and stick to what you do best; under performing. Woefully.

6: G.W.O.T.T. (Governmental Waste of Time Tax) This is where we finally get something back. Asset sales arguments, Novopay, stupid car park taxes - they need to pay US for every minute of our lives they've been carelessly frittering away. We'll never get that time back, they owe us.

6 WAYS TO AVOID SINKHOLES

Since a man and his bedroom disappeared down a Florida sinkhole last weekend, obviously we've all been concerned about how we can avoid the same thing happening to us. If you've been watching 11ish this week, you may have already heard some of my suggestions, but for a matter of public safety like this, I think they're worth repeating...

1: Sleep Spreadeagled. Basically, the more body surface you can create, the less likely you are to fit down a hole. This could be a problem if your partner insists on half the bed for themselves.

2: Chain Yourself to Something. Just use whatever chains/ropes/handcuffs you already have handy in the bedroom, but preferably attach them to something OUTSIDE the bedroom.

3: Don't Sleep. This is a pretty obvious one, but let me spell it out for you; if you don't want to be sucked into a sinkhole in your sleep, don't sleep. Admittedly, this will not prevent you being sucked into a sinkhole fully conscious.

4: Helium Balloons. This is a bit fiddly, but pretty effective. Attach helium balloons to various bits of yourself - wrists, knees, ankles, neck, elbows - that way, even if the whole house sinks, you won't. I hear weightless sleeping is pretty good for the back too.

5: Sleep In a Different Place Every Night. The sinkhole can't get you if it can't find you.

6: Move to a Mine or a Cave. Presumably if you're already down a hole, you can't then fall down a hole.