6 TERMS TO COME TO TERMS WITH

This week, right-wing think tank, the Maxim Institute proposed an extension of the current 3 year term of office by another year, so our governments can actually get things done. Not sure if they'd be quite so keen if Labour was currently in charge, but it got me thinking; how long IS long enough to rule the land?...

1: Forever. Under the current system, too many people just don't take their votes seriously enough. If they only had one, things would get pretty real.

2: For Life. It's worked so well for royal families, North Korea and Cuba, why wouldn't it work here?

3: Week About. Isn't it just more fair to give everyone a go, one week on, one week off? Like a job share.

4: Carryover Champion. Give the other guys their say on each issue as it happens, but if they can't beat the government's score, they don't get to come back and play again next week.

5: Overnight. This would really keep them honest. The way I see it working is a bit like that thing some music stations do, where they have two songs and everybody texts in to vote for the song they think is better. We'd be happy to host it on Newstalk ZB.

6: Bring Back the Worm. The technology to tell us who's the most popular from one second to the next was amazingly ahead of its time. Let's use it again. The moment the government does something stupid, the worm turfs them out. If we could get an actual giant worm to do it, all the better.

6 THINGS I'VE LEARNED ABOUT THE AMERICA'S CUP

Complicated business this. Here's what I've discovered after closely watching 3 races...

1: A Harbour Helps. Alinghi never had one of these, primarily due to Switzerland being pretty land-locked. Oh, sure they still won a bit, but San Francisco's actual ocean really adds something.

2: Foiling Through the Jibe. This is what everyone is trying to do. It's really important. If you can foil through the jibe, you'll have a real advantage. Pretty sure the commentators have no idea what foiling through the jibe is either.

3: You Don't Need As Many Teams As You Might Think. Remember when we used to do the America's Cup here in New Zealand? Yes you do. It's been a while, but we did. Anyway, when we used to do it, we really went overboard (excuse the pun) and had teams from all over the place. Totally old school. These days, 4 is heaps.

4: You Don't Need As Many Teams As You Might Think. This is for each actual race. Despite everything you ever thought you knew about anything, it's totally okay for one team to race another even if one of them isn't there.

5: It's Hard to Make a Good Joke About Alcatraz. So far, the best one I've heard is, "These guys are sailing so fast, they should go to jail!" Comedy gold. Ah well, presumably Alcatraz WILL be turning up for every race, so I'm sure they'll have plenty of time to come up with something slightly more memorable.

6: The Whole Thing Isn't a Monumental Waste of Everybody's Time, Money and Resources. At all. In any way. Not silly. Or ridiculous. I want to make that quite clear.

6 ALTERNATIVE FORMS OF GOVERNMENT

Well, how about Egypt, eh? I never realised they were so Fijian. Sure, electing people by coup is a fun way of running a country, but it's not the only one...

1: Who Has the Best Fireworks and Laser Pointers. Oh, that's right. That IS how they decided who would be in charge of Egypt. Certainly going by the images I've seen this week anyway.

2: Who Has the Most Facial Hair. This is why Bashar al-Assad is having such a tough time of it in Syria. Try as he might, he just can't seem to get a decent moustache going. Now Saddam Hussein; there was a guy with an impressive mo.

3: Go Home Stay Home. It took Aung San Suu Kyi a while, but she got there in the end.

4: Who Lives the Longest. This system has worked amazingly well for Fidel Castro. The big, bushy beard probably helps too. (see Number 2)

5: Who Has the Best Party. I don't mean political party. I mean bunga bunga party - right Sylvio? You know what I always say; it's not a party until someone gets sentenced to 7 years in prison.

6: The Biggest Party is Held To Ransom by a Minor Party Hardly Anyone Voted For Because There Aren't Any Other Coalition Partners Left. No, that's ridiculous. Nobody would choose an electoral system as obviously flawed as that.

6 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT THE AUCKLAND RAIL LOOP

Super mayor Len Brown looked like the cat who got the cream this week, when it was announced the government was coming to the party to help pay for his life-sized train set. Well, they'll help pay for it in 2020, maybe - but still, a win's a win, right Len? Anyway, why the hell should the rest of the country stump up for Auckland's new tube?

1: It's Nice to See Len Smiling Instead of Hitting Himself on the Head. Self harm is never okay.

2: Why Should Christchurch Get All the New Stuff?

3: Exciting Chase Scenes in Movies and TV Shows. Once we have a real live subway, cops can chase bad guys in and out of it. Admittedly, hobbits already have their own holes, but I'm sure they could work some kind of subterranean cliffhanger into an episode of Shortland Street.

4: Finally, a Clearly Defined Career Path for Buskers. Obviously the Auckland Underground would be the ultimate stage for any budding kiwi street performer.

5: A Boon to New Zealand's Escalator Manufacturing Sector. We make these, right? I hope so, because we're going to need heaps.

6: Bailing Out MediaWorks. Presumably John Campbell got some kind of grant to pay for his helicopter ride over the proposed route the other night. I mean, they're in receivership - where else would they have got the money?

6 THINGS SKYTV SHOULD REALLY BE SHOWING

This week, some were concerned when they heard the news SkyTV had lost the rights to broadcast the English Premier League. Not sure why, it's only soccer. However, this obviously frees up quite a bit of airtime for more useful broadcasts...

1: Shows They Never Made Enough Episodes Of. Fawlty Towers is the obvious one. Only 12 half-hours of genius. Six Feet Under should still be on too, if for no other reason, to teach young people how to swear properly.

2: Reality TV. There's not nearly enough reality TV for my liking. Can we do a show where overweight celebrities nobody's ever heard of have to cook a whole new house while ballroom dancing, singing, ice skating and cliff diving... into a vat of live sea snakes?

3: Business House Competitions. I can't remember the last time a saw live indoor cricket on telly.

4: Club Nights. These don't need to be live. In fact, I'd prefer if they weren't, that way I could watch myself playing social badminton on Tuesday nights, on Wednesday.

5: Quiz Nights. I don't mean Nothing Trivial, I mean ACTUAL quiz nights. Could we link different pubs via satellite? We probably can, given they're not broadcasting live football.

6: The Mike Hosking Breakfast on Newstalk ZB. You've actually been able to watch this on our website for years. Keep up, EPL.

6 OTHER PEOPLE WE'D BE HAPPY TO HOST

It's no surprise there's been a bit of talk C.I.A. whistle-blower Edward Snowden might like to hang out in New Zealand for a while, given the sweet time fellow fugitive Kim DotCom's been showing us all down here. You know; fireworks displays, celebrity interviews and all the movies we can watch. Apart from Snowden, who else should we be trying to lure to our safe shores?...

1: Bashar al-Assad. I'm sure Syria's a nice enough place, and Assad makes being in charge of it looks easy. Perhaps he needs a more challenging role, like president of United Future, for example.

2: A Selection of Turkish Demonstrators. Those guys really know how to protest. Music, yoga, tear gas - classic combo.

3: Nelson Mandela. I don't know about you, but if I had an entire country outside my hospital room waiting for me to die, I could probably do with a change of scenery. A bit of fresh air, maybe some bungy jumping and a tour of Hobbiton, I'm sure it'd do him the world of good.

4: Simon Cowell. For some reason all the reality shows that are awesome overseas suck when we do them. I believe Mr. Cowell can fix this. Oh, and we'd never waste perfectly good eggs by throwing them at you.

5: Elvis. We pretty much keep ourselves to ourselves down here. I'm sure we wouldn't feel the need to go running to the National Enquirer every time we see you in the supermarket.

6: Julia Gillard. Yes, you're wildly unpopular. Yes, you're Australian. Yes, you're a flaming ginga. Yes, you have ridiculously massive earlobes. Actually, no, on reflection we don't want you. You've got to draw the line somewhere.

6 THINGS RAPPERS ALWAYS SAY

This week, kiwi hip-hoppers Smashproof entered the charts at number 6 with their new single, "Paint Fade". As I'm sure you're aware, I am a MASSIVE fan of talking songs, especially the way they ALWAYS start with one of the following tried and true pearls of lyrical wisdom...

1: "Uh." It's difficult to know exactly what this means, although I don't doubt it's something incredibly deep, given almost every rap song ever starts this way. I really hope it's not just them clearing their throats with their mic accidentally on.

2: "Yeah." Hard to argue with someone who starts by agreeing with you.

3: "Come On." We owe these guys a tremendous debt of gratitude, for translating the immortal words of the late, great Michael Jackson. Till now, we thought he was saying, "Shum On." That'd just be stupid.

4: "Uh." Yes, I know they've already said this once, but something this profound can't be overstated.

5: Their Own Name. Nothing worse than not knowing who's talking their song at you. All musicians should introduce themselves before they start playing, it's just manners. Admittedly, if you've bought their album, you probably already had a sneaking suspicion who was performing, especially by about the 3rd track, but let's not get bogged down in details.

6: The Name of the Featured Guest Artist. I don't pretend to understand how it all works, but it seems pretty much any rap song that's ever been recorded isn't just by the act who recorded it. They always invite someone else to help. Isn't it nice the hip-hop community is so caring and sharing?